Fearful Avoidant Is Feeling Jealous: But It’s Not About You

One of the most common pieces of advice you’ll hear after a breakup with a fearful avoidant is:

Make them jealous.

Post pictures with other people. Let them see that you’re dating. Make it look like you’ve moved on. Show them that other people want you.

The theory is simple: if your fearful avoidant ex sees you with someone else, they’ll become afraid of losing you, realise what they had, and come running back.

And sometimes, something like this can trigger a reaction.

• Your ex may suddenly become more interested.
• They may start contacting you again.
• They may ask who you’re seeing.
• They may become noticeably jealous.
• They may even come back.

But there’s a major problem with this strategy: their jealousy isn’t necessarily about how much they want you. Jealousy is about the jealous person’s own insecurities and, more specifically, their fear of being replaced.

Fear of being replaced

Fearful avoidants carry a deep seated fear and insecurity that they are not lovable enough, attractive enough, interesting enough, or simply good enough.

When they see an ex apparently moving on with someone else, that insecurity can become activated.

They start wondering whether the other person is better than them, whether you have found someone who can give you what they could not, or whether the relationship you had with them meant as much to you as it did to them.

This can create a very strong emotional reaction. And this is where the strategy of making an avoidant jealous can appear to work.

Your ex becomes anxious about losing you, and that anxiety temporarily overrides some of the fears that caused them to pull away in the first place. They move toward you because the possibility of losing you has suddenly become more frightening than the possibility of getting close to you.

You might think: “It worked.” But what exactly worked?

You successfully made your fearful avoidant ex afraid of losing you, and that feels validating because the person who seemed so comfortable walking away is now worried that someone else might have you.

But that’s not all you did. You also triggered their fear of getting hurt.

Fear of getting hurt

The very strategy intended to make them afraid of losing you can sometimes convince a fearful avoidant that they have already been replaced. It doesn’t matter whether they actually have or not. What matters is what they now believe is happening.

And this is where the strategy begins working against you.

They came closer because they were afraid of losing you, but once they are close again, the situation that brought them back becomes a source of anxiety and mistrust.

You find yourselves having arguments and fights about the person your ex believes you are seeing. They want to know what is happening with this other person, whether you are still seeing them, and whether they are going to lose you to them.

They even wonder whether you are genuinely interested in them or simply keeping them around while seeing someone else.

You wanted your ex to fear losing you, but now you introduced a new source of uncertainty into a connection that already needs more safety and trust, not less.

But that’s only if triggering their fear of being replaced makes them anxious enough to move toward you.

With fearful avoidants, you never really know which side you are going to trigger. And you have very little control over which one wins out.

The fear of being replaced may activate their anxious side, causing them to become more preoccupied with you and afraid of losing you. But it can just as easily trigger their avoidant side.

Instead of pursuing you:

• They decide to protect themselves.
• They tell themselves that it’s better to move on.
• They emotionally detach.
• They start dating other people.

The very strategy that was supposed to make your ex afraid of losing you can convince them that getting involved with your again is too risky.

A very different outcome from the one you were hoping for

Whichever side gets triggered, triggering jealousy is a risky strategy with a fearful avoidant. It makes getting back together even harder because they just don’t trust you.

Even if you succeeded and they came back because they were afraid of being replaced, their motivation to pursue you disappears once the threat of replaced is gone.

What do you do next?

• Do you keep posting pictures with other people?
• Do you keep making your ex wonder whether you’re dating?
• Do you keep another man or woman in the background to keep their insecurity level high?

If that’s what it takes to keep your ex interested, what kind of relationship have you created?

There’s nothing wrong with moving on after a breakup

My personal opinion and experience as a coach is that there is nothing unhealthy about seeing other people while trying to get back with your ex. It’s not like you are cheating because technically you’re single, it’s not like you’re cheating.

• You should have a life.
• You should meet people.
• You should enjoy yourself.
• And you don’t need to hide the fact that other people find you attractive.

But there’s a significant difference between living your life and deliberately creating jealousy to manipulate your ex into coming back.

The first says: “I’m moving forward with my life.”

The second says: “I’m going to make you afraid of losing me so that you’ll come back.”

And there’s something else worth considering when you have to create insecurity, competition, or the threat of replacement to prove your value to someone, or relying on their insecurity to bring them closer.

You’re not really finding out whether they want to be with you. You’re recognizing that they probably wouldn’t want to be with you if you didn’t make them feel insecure.

That’s not a secure place to be. And anyone telling you this is a strategy doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Someone should choose you because they genuinely want to be with you, not because you made them afraid of losing you.

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