Most of us will agree that such an introspective look at oneself and acknowledgment of one’s own limitations deserves respect because unhealthy, dysfunctional and toxic relationships are some of the hardest to walk away from, especially because men and women with an anxious or fearful insecure attachment style tend to attract avoidants, narcissists, mind game players and/or people with the mentality and emotional make-up of a toddler.
It doesn’t help that:
- Avoidants constantly second guess themselves and convince themselves that what they feel is not real and therefore they shouldn’t trust their own feelings. They keep going back and forth, wanting to get back together and not wanting it at the same time and dragging the process indefinitely.
- Narcissists have an uncanny and almost supernatural ability to detect insecurity in others and zero on the anxiety and fears driving the insecurity. A narcissist ex’s ability to hijack others’ anxiety and fears leaves the anxiously or fearfully insecure vulnerable to being used and abused.
- Game players like and enjoy manipulating and at times controlling how their ex feels. Almost all anxiously or fearfully insecure people trying to attract back their ex feel like they are being played and getting mixed messages all the time, and in 9 out of 10 times, they are.
- Exes with the mentality and emotional make-up of a toddler have no awareness or control their own words and actions, much less their own feelings and emotions. A “wrong” word here or miscommunication there, and small things that most adults would let slide is an opportunity to ‘attack” and “fight back” etc.
So when a client comes to me and says, “Yangki, I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, tired and worn out, help me out”, it makes sense that they are.
It doesn’t mean they stopped loving their ex or that they don’t want their ex back, but for right now, they no longer have the mental will or emotional strength to keep going at the same speed and energy they are putting into trying to attract back their ex.
This is different from someone who is forced to walk away because trying their ex has made it clear there is no chance of ever getting back together, or one who is frustrated that their ex is not making it easy to attract them back.
One puts all the responsibility for the failed attempt at getting back together on their ex and the other is looking inside, taking inventory of their own emotional resources and acknowledging that they don’t have the necessary skills and emotional resilience that the process requires.
Some feel that they haven’t really changed much or aren’t anymore emotionally secure than they were in the relationship. They are still just as needy, anxious, fearful, jealous, manipulative, impatient etc (if not more now than they were in the relationship) and it’s making trying to attract back an ex more difficult.
They can feel that things are not over-over with their ex and believe that they have a chance to attract back their ex but their default attachment style, personal flaws, limited relationship experience, insufficient relationship skills and inability to handle uncertainty keeps getting in their own way.