It looks very much like ‘giving up” on someone you love or on the relationship and for some it is, but in my experience with people trying to attract back their ex, it’s more of an introspective look at oneself and an acknowledgment of one’s own limitations.
For some of my clients, “ex fatigue” is finally taking the blinds off. They are tired of:
- Making excuses for their ex’s behaviours and character flaws
- Justifying and making excuses for why things are the way they are
- Ignoring major red flags that existed in the relationship and still exist
- Sacrificing their needs, wants and even value and dreams
- Pretending that this is the relationship they want etc.
They come to me not to show them how to make love work or encourage them not to give up on love. They come to me because they are looking for someone to confirm what they already feel and know.
Most of us will agree that such an introspective look at oneself and acknowledgment of one’s own limitations deserves respect because unhealthy, dysfunctional and toxic relationships are some of the hardest to walk away from, especially because men and women with an anxious or fearful insecure attachment style tend to attract avoidants, narcissists, mind game players and/or people with the mentality and emotional make-up of a toddler.
It doesn’t help that:
1. Avoidants constantly second guess themselves and convince themselves that what they feel is not real and therefore they shouldn’t trust their own feelings. They keep going back and forth, wanting to get back together and not wanting it at the same time and dragging the process indefinitely.
2. Narcissists have an uncanny and almost supernatural ability to detect insecurity in others and zero on the anxiety and fears driving the insecurity. A narcissist ex’s ability to hijack others’ anxiety and fears leaves someone who is anxiously or fearfully insecure vulnerable to being used and abused.
3. Game players like and enjoy manipulating and at times controlling how their ex feels. Almost all anxiously or fearfully insecure people trying to attract back their ex feel like they are being played and getting mixed messages all the time, and in 9 out of 10 times, they are.
4. Exes with the mentality and emotional make-up of a toddler have no awareness or control of their own words and actions, much less their own feelings and emotions. A “wrong” word here or miscommunication there, and small things that most adults would let slide is an opportunity to ‘attack” and “fight back” etc.
So when a client comes to me and says, “Yangki, I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, tired and worn out, help me out”, it makes sense that they are.
It doesn’t mean they stopped loving their ex or that they don’t want their ex back, but for right now, they no longer have the mental will or emotional strength to keep going at the same speed and energy they are putting into trying to attract back their ex.
This is different from someone who is forced to walk away because trying their ex has made it clear there is no chance of ever getting back together, or one who is frustrated that their ex is not making it easy to attract them back.