Should you tell your ex you want more than a friendship? Yes.
Telling an ex you want more than “just friends” lets them know you that you want him or her back.
The catch is if your ex is not sure they want to get back together or not ready to take that next step, saying you want more sometimes scares them away. But pretending that all you want is a friendship on the other hand may send the wrong message.
In Dating Your Ex eBook, I explain how to talk about being “friends for the time being” and how to push the boundaries of the “friendship”. If you let the boundaries harden around you, it becomes harder and harder to transition from friendship to getting back together.
This is not the only area that needs boundaries when trying to get back your ex. You need boundaries on what days/times of the day you are available for longer conversations, if and when you have sex, how you relate on social media, what happens if one or both of you decides to casually date other people, and even what happens if things don’t work out. Do you sit down and talk about it or just text the other? Do you keep in contact or go your separate ways? Do leave the door open for possibilities in the future or do you say “never”?
Talking about these things may be scary, talking about boundaries always is. But if you do not set boundaries and communicate them to your ex, you may find yourselves with a lot of “miscommunication” just because neither of you knows where the other stands. If for example, you don’t set and communicate the boundaries of “friends for the time being” and your ex senses nothing more than friendly intent, BOOM! into the “friendzone” you go.
Sometimes you may even tell an ex that you don’t want to be “just friends”, you want to get back together, but if your actions say you are happy being “just friends” or if you are too afraid to act like someone who wants more, the “relationship” will slowly become platonic. Your ex begins to see you as a “friend” and not someone he or she sees a romantic future with.
Having healthy strong boundaries will not only protect you from unintended actions, being manipulated, used or strung along, having boundaries gets you respect, and value.
If you are buying a property, which one would you think has more value: A house that has doors that open and lock as necessary or one that has no doors or locks? Anyone can come in and out as they please?
Boundaries are like good fences or doors and locks that work. They let the good people and their intentions in, and keep the bad ones out. They make you sleep well because you feel safe inside, and they give you a voice when you are ‘too involved” to see that the relationship is not going anywhere, is unhealthy, toxic or abusive.
Having healthy strong boundaries frees you to pursue trying to get back together without fear of your words or actions being taken the wrong way. In fact both of you benefit when you know what the other finds acceptable and what they find unacceptable.
Setting and communicating boundaries is especially important if:
1) You have a high-conflict relationship where you argue about just anything, even things that are insignificant.
2) One or both of you felt that there was a power imbalance in the relationship.
3) You acted needy and clingy during the relationship or post break-up.
4) Your ex is a boundary violator.
Setting boundaries and communicating them sets the tone for the new relationship you are trying to create.
Start setting and communicating your boundaries with Dating Your Ex Boundaries Coaching Notes.