To all of you who have written me emails and left comments expressing how much you appreciate my articles on emotional connection, I want to say thank you for making it hard for me to keep my ego in check. But since I love you all, I will accept your words of appreciation and encouragement. That’s how self-less I am (wink, wink).
Joking aside, it’s nice to see so much interest in genuinely trying to emotionally connect with the people we love and want to keep in our lives. With so much going on in the world of tweets, texts and instant messaging, genuine emotional connection seems something from last century… but may be not.
As long as we still respond to emotions and feelings even when they are not apparent, emotional connection is still as relevant today as it was in the last century, and that’s a good thing.
But it’s not just connecting to the emotions of others that is important. Emotional intelligence and maturity is part about other people’s emotions and part about our own emotions. One needs the other.
Communicating our emotions in ways that build relationships rather than escalate conflicts, fuel drama and/or build walls is about the words we use, the way we use them, when we use them and to what purpose we use them.
In my Dating Your Ex eBook, I warn about “talking too much” because I talk to so many people who say “I am more emotionally open” or “I prefer to talk things through” or “I let people know what I think/feel” and think that because they “talk too much” or are more verbally expressive, they are also more emotionally adept. The opposite is probably more true.
“Emotional words” when they are just words spoken by one person to another and not something felt together—for together – do not create an emotional connection. Even our attempts to “share our feelings” or to “be more open” are useless if there is no emotional connection between the person sharing and the person who is supposed to be the recipient of that emotional information.
Take for example “I love you” (perhaps the most emotionally moving words of all time), why, when and how we say these three words can make or break a relationship. In a one setting and timing, they can get us a teary deeply felt, ” I love you too”, but in a different setting and a different time, they can get us a cold “I don’t care” (or some other reaction that suggests you are too needy). Same exact words, two very different responses.
And the reason is very simple. Emotional connection.
If the other person doesn’t feel that you feel what they feel (emotionally connected), you are just two ships passing each other in the night. If how they feel and how you feel (at that moment in time) doesn’t match up, you can bleed your heart at their feet and it won’t matter.
When you are trying to get back your ex, being more verbally expressive may actually work to your disadvantage if you are not paying attention to why, when and how of what you are saying. Like “I love You”, the words coming out of your mouth may be positive and your intentions may be good, but sometimes just because you want to say something or can say it doesn’t mean you should.
Knowing when to hold back and when to say something is one of the main difference between an adult and a child. I am one of those that believes that children and animals tell the truth, they never hide how they truly feel. That raw unfiltered innocence is what goodness is made of. The difference is that as we grow older, we learn that there are consequences to what we say, when we say it and how we say it.
Sometimes the consequence is emotionally alienating the very person you are trying to connect with.
If you can learn anything from this article and from my site, it is this:
1. Emotional connection is less about “talking” and more about sharing of Selves.
Words are a great way to share Self, but those words must come from the depth of Self for it to make a lasting connection.
2. Just because you want to say something or can say it, doesn’t always mean you should.
When you say it and how we say it can be the difference between your ex wanting you his/her life and your ex severing all contact with you.