This is a true story.
An old friend I knew 20-some years ago heard about me from another friend and decided to re-open lines of communication.
I get this email from a name I recognize, but I was hesitant to open it because you know, it could be a hacker. And it’s like what?… 20 years?
But curiosity got the best of me, and of course I was excited just in case it was really her. We had some really good times back in the good ol’ days.
I open the email and it was… “Hi, remember me?” and then a link.
So I click on the link and it was an article about a concert featuring an African musician.
Now, I still have fond memories of my friend… but seriously?
No word from her in over 20 years, and she thought this was a good time to send me a link about some musician.
No “how are you” or how’s Canada, or if I have children, how many, how’s my mom, is she still alive…. nothing. Nothing about me and nothing about her. Just some cold impersonal link.
But I wasn’t going to be rude and not respond, after all she had made an effort to reach out. So, I responded.
“Hi, I remember you.” Then sent her a link.
Something about the 2018 Summit and G20 leaders pledging to fight climate change. That’s where my mind and emotions were at the time. Something I am passionate about and my 40-some-year Woke Self is emotionally invested in.
The next day she responded. I am not kidding, she wrote, “WHAT?”
I asked her to send me her phone number. I then explained to her why I responded the way I did. We spoke for 3 longs hours and it felt really good to reconnect.
My point is: Sometimes exes don’t respond or respond but seem cold not because they don’t want you to contact them or because they “want space”. They don’t respond or are cold because you sent them a link to an article or video.
1. Links to articles and videos are impersonal.
These are someone elses’ words or work and just sending links is a lazy way to communicate. If you haven’t been in contact with someone, sending them a link says that you put very little effort into re-opening lines of communication. It’s not a good feeling.
If you are going to send someone a link to an article or video, make sure you first establish that they want to hear from you. Maybe they don’t want to hear from you, and your clueless self thinks sending a link about something equally clueless is going to make them want to talk to you. Not.
Say “hi” and have a few exchanges before you start sending links to articles and videos.
2. It’s hard to make an emotional connection using links to articles and videos.
Don’t assume that because an ex was interested in something months ago, they are still interested in it. Even if they are still interested in movies, food, music, art, the gym etc at that particular point in time, they may have other things in mind and not interested in talking about whatever it is you are sending links about.
Maybe they are going through some personal stuff or a really difficult patch in life, and here you are sending them links to movies or “funny videos”.
Maybe they have been hoping you’d reach out, but now that you have, they are like “WHAT?” Seriously? They have no idea why you are sending them that particular link.
First, try to establish where your ex is at mentally and emotionally before you send them a link.
Secondly, put some thought and emotion into the links you send. Don’t just send a link because you are scared of saying the wrong thing, don’t know what to say or are trying to hide the fact that you are not a good communicator.
Say something meaningful enough to make an emotional connection. “I thought you’d like this” or “I found this interesting” is not emotional connection. Say something about the article or video that you know your ex will emotionally connect with.
Also using ‘feeling words‘ like “happy”, “excited” “angry”, “surprised” etc,. arouse like emotions in others.
If you are not sure how you are doing on emotionally connecting with your ex, this article will help.