Should You Be Friends With Benefits With An Avoidant Ex?

You want to read this if you are trying to attract back an avoidant ex, and you don’t want to end up “friends with benefits” with an avoidant ex.

Many people warn against staying in contact with an ex as friends with benefits, and for good reason. A longitudinal study published in Personal Relationships found that:

• 59% of participants who wanted their “friends with benefits relationships” to end in friendship, got what they wanted.
• Of the participants who hoped their “friends with benefits relationships” would transition into romantic relationships; only 17% saw their relationships evolve how they wanted.

Friends with benefits relationships that ended in romantic relationship had a strong commitment to the friends with benefits relationship; and the other person was open to the possibility that the friends with benefits relationship could end in a romantic relationship.

What grew the friends with benefits relationship into in a romantic relationship was:

• Open and frequent communication
• Commitment to both the sexual and friendship aspects of the relationship.

Can you be friends with with benefits with an avoidant, can it work?

There are no studies on attachment styles and friends with benefits post break-up, but there are studies that draw a direct link between our attachment style and how we view sex, approach sex and behave before, during and after sex.

These studies echo many of the complaints I hear from my clients trying to attract back an avoidant ex.

Avoidants in general have a deep fear of sexual intimacy. A dismissive avoidant who would rather engage in casual or transactional sex with no emotions and feelings involved. Many have at least one or to two exes they’ve gone back. They went back mostly because their ex didn’t seem to mind sex with no strings attached; a friends with benefits kind of situation or casual sex with an avoidant ex.

But can sex with an avoidant who experiences sex purely on a physical level with no emotional investment or commitment to one another lead to a relationship?

Yes. Some friends with benefits situations with an avoidant can work. A study published in Personal Relationships suggests that a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship only plays out how people want it to 17% of the time. People whose relationships were most likely to evolve how they hoped were those who wanted the friends with benefits situation to transition to a regular friendship— and 59% got what they desired. Those who were the least likely to see the relationship outcome they wanted were those who had said they wanted it to transition into romance — only 15% of those who wanted romance saw it happen.

Other studies have shown that exes in friends with benefits relationships are just as happy or satisfied as couples who may or may not be more committed to a romantic partner, but only when there is good communication and both people have the same expectations of the friends with benefits relationship.

An ex’s self-esteem and trust issues plays a role in whether or not a friends with benefits relationship can end up in a omitted romantic relationship. Fearful avoidants for example may find sexual experiences rewarding but also overwhelming and confusing. If they lean anxious they may they find it easier to express intimacy sexually than emotionally but engage in less sex because they fear someone using and abandoning them.

RELATED:

How Do I Handle FWB With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex?

Avoidant Friend Zone Or Starting As Friends Then Come Back?