Question: Should I wait for my ex to come back, and how long should I wait? We broke up because he was not happy with his life and needed to work on himself. We maintained contact and it’s been 50-50 initiating and also initiating dates. He has been open with me and has told me he is seeing a counselor for depression related issues, has a new job and is working out. I am happy for him, but at the same time it’s almost 1 year since the breakup. I’m worried that we will not get back together.
Don’t get me wrong, I support him and all but for how long do I have to wait for my ex while he works on himself? Should I even be waiting? What is your experience with exes coming back? How long does it take for an ex to come back? Thank you, Yangki.
Yangki’s Answer: I applaud your ex for realizing that he needs to work on himself and for keeping the lines of communication open; and you for being patient for 1 year. I’m sure it’s not easy; most people would have given up and walked away.
I’ll start with your question “How long does it take for an ex to come back?”
Most studies carried out on a large scale show that an average of 50 percent of people get back together with their ex. This a little less than the 73% of my clients who get back their ex; but then again over 80% of my clients kept the lines of communication after the break-up and did not do no contact.
About 50% of my clients are securely attached or have done a lot of self-work post break-up; this is why they are attracted to my approach to getting back together with their ex. This is also in line with many studies that show that securely attached exes reunite more often; and the top reason people get back together is that they thought their ex had changed.
In my experience, it takes 4 – 6 months on average for most exes to get back together. Again, this is because many of my clients did not do no contact. I suppose with no contact added into the equation, it will take longer. It takes a while for an ex to warm up to you and emotionally open up when you have not been a part of their life for a while.
Should you wait for my ex to come back?
You are right to be concerned that 1 year after the break-up is a long time for an ex not to come back. Whether or not you should wait for your ex to come back depends on:
- What is working in your favour while you are waiting for your ex to come back
- Why you are waiting for your ex
- How long you can wait for your ex to come back
What is working for you while you are waiting for your ex to come back
There are several signs in your situation that show that you are moving in the right direction; even if it’s been 1 year since the break-up.
1. It’s been 1 year since the break-up and you have kept the lines of communication open throughout. This is a sign that you are both committed to making the relationship work; and a good reason to wait for your ex a little while longer.
2. The reason it’s taken this long for your ex to come back is because he is working on himself. This was the reason for your break-up. It takes time to change, and it seems that he has many things he wanted to work on.
3. Your ex has made some significant changes. Some exes use “I’m working on myself” when hey want to keep you as “just a friend” because they fear losing you. Others don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you “we will never get back together”. This is not the case with your ex. He is actually working on himself and seeing a counselor for depression related issues, has a new job and is working out.
4. Your ex is initiating contact and also initiating dates 50/50. That’s really good and should give you hope.
5. It may not seem like things are moving to getting back together; but you are actually dating each other if you are going out on dates. I strongly recommend ‘dating your ex” before getting back together because it give you the opportunity to test the new relationship before you get back together. You have the opportunity to fix what many not be working, and ensure that you do not break-up when you get back together.
6. Your ex is openly sharing with you what’s going on in his life. Again, this is a good sign that he’s making an effort to let you know that he working on himself.
7. You have been supportive of your ex’s efforts to work on himself. This works to your advantage; and is probably the reason he is making an effort to equally initiate contact and also arrange dates.
All these signs show that you will get back together, even if it’s been one year since the break-up.
I think you should be a patient and wait for your ex a little while longer. Date each other and things will happen with time. I am 100% sure of this because all the signs are there that your ex will come back.