Should I Tell My Ex I Want Us To Start Afresh And Date Again

Question: I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell my ex I want her back, but tell her “I want us to start afresh?” In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together. Fortunately, she’s still responding positively thanks to your ebook, I am not making any major mistakes.

I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back; but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just tell your ex “I want us to start afresh start?” and start over. But that’s not how it happens.

She already told you she wants to be single and date for a while; telling her you want to start afresh is not going to change her mind. She might even feel pressured and rethink staying in contact with you.

The good thing is that she’s still responding positively. This means that she’s not yet completely closing the door to a possibility of getting back together in the future.

Instead of telling her you want to start afresh, show her what a new and better relationship can be. She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, highlight the changes you have made in the way you act towards her; and also in the way you live your life.

You don’t have to directly say you have changed, instead show her how you’ve changed by not repeating the behaviours that caused problems (and the break-up) and by being better as a person and a better (potential) partner.

It goes with out saying, to achieve all this you must have done the necessary work of making yourself better. If she doesn’t see herself in a better relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

As for her wanting to be single and date for a while, you can’t do anything about that. She is going to do it whether you want it or not. As a good rule of life, don’t invest so much emotion and time on things you can’t change or control. Focus you time and energy on the things you can change and control, and right now, you control how you come across to her.

It will not happen overnight, the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to communicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

RELATED: How To Start Over With Your Ex – 3 Most Important Steps

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  1. says: Steve

    My breakup was shattering enough to get me into therapy. Neither of us was perfect by any means, but I took her for granted and she finally had enough and left. Therapy has helped me see my own mistakes and showed me how I can be a better boyfriend for her. The problem is that she doesn’t want to talk to me or see me. She says she will only believe I’ve changed when she sees it. But how can she see it when she won’t talk to see me?

    1. That’s a tough place to be, but she’s right, you know. Seeing is believing. Most people say “I’ve changed” just to get an ex back after they get what they want they go back to being their old selves…

      If you have a mutual friend or someone you know she’s close to — and one who’ll agree to talk to her on your behalf (without taking sides), ask that person to explain to your ex that you will not try to pressure her into doing anything she does not want to. All you want is to “make up” to her for all the times you took her for granted. If it develops into something more… great! but if it does not, you’ll part ways knowing that you tried to be the person you were not in the relationship, and it just didn’t work out. If she agree to a ‘trial period”, please don’t try pushing “let’s get back together”. Your job is to SHOW her so she can believe (on her own) that you’re a better person. That’s all. The rest will sort itself out.

  2. says: Skater

    My ex left me on june 4th the day before she started her new job so i went to her job and wrote all over her car and how much i love her and i put roses in her drivers seat and she loved it she said i made her feel so special and then the next day we got into a little arguement and she broke up with me we have had a off and on relationship well shes been staying with her friend going out to clubs and has not really made contact with me i have met up with her and did what all guys do i begged her back but she could not even look me in the eye because i can tell she is trying to force herself not to be with me she has told me that she does not see things working out with us but i really love her and she told me she loves me but she doesnt know if she is still in love with me how can i get her back do i do no contact or what i just really want her back i know we can work on our problems we’ve been together for 2 and 1/2 years.

    1. I agree with you that it seems the love is still there but the other things happening in the relationship e.g. “little argument” is what is causing her to feel that it won’t work out. This is what needs to change. How much you love her is not the issue, if you two can have a healthy loving relationship is the issue.

      I suggest you read all my posts and articles on “no contact” because I strongly believe from years of experience helping men and women get their ex back, “no contact” is NOT a strategy for getting back an ex. It is not even a healthy way to build any kind of healthy loving relationship that will stand the test of time. Just search “no contact” and you’ll see many posts and articles and comments and responses to other questions on using no contact.

  3. says: Carmen Chu

    Thank you for this amazing site. I agree with Yangki that no contact has been misused by so many people. I used to be one of them. It was flattering when my ex contacted me. Eventually he’d come back and we’d breakup again. In 4 years, I broke up with him 3 times, he broke up with me 3 times. This last time he did not contact me. I waited and waited. I think he had enough. I realise now the issue was with me. I used no contact to get him back but never made any effort to address my issues. I still hurt and miss him but he says he gave me many chances and now he has lost all feelings for me.

    To all you using no contact to get back an ex, remember it is not to get anyone back, it is for you to heal, grow and move on because you had enough distance from your ex.

  4. says: Gabby

    This is a positive site with good advice. My ex and I were apart for nearly two years and we both went on to date other people, but we kept in touch. My relationship ended first and his ended 8 months later. After talking about some things that had gone wrong with us, we both realised we still loved each other, but we did not get back together right away. We spent a few months dating and working through our issues before we got back together. We will be getting married in a few months.

  5. says: Erica

    My boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me three weeks ago after 9 years together. His reason was that “he didnt have fun with me anymore.” However, he indicated that he is still really attracted to me and we have communicated for the past three weeks about the relationship, his feelings and my feelings. I would really like to be able to talk to you with him about our relationship, but am not sure how to get him to agree to that. He is very private about his emotions and that is what caused our issues. I thought everything was fine in the relationship whereas he was having the opposite emotion. The continued communication makes me have hope for the relationship, but I dont know where to go from here…

  6. says: vinnie

    I have just separated with my wife about a month ago after almost 2 years of marriage been together for 4 years, she said she doesn’t feel the love no more, she needs some space and think what she wants. In a month time we have met about three times and talked on the phone few times, i wanted to celebrate our anniversary together but she came up with idea of not feel well, i really felt bad about this, i haven’t called her or contacted her by any means after that. I am taking it slowly and giving her space but i am confused i think i am drifting apart day by day, or is it too early for me to think?

  7. says: Sal2290

    I really love your advice. I’m a 43 year old man, was married 11 years. I met this wonderful amazing woman and had a relationship for 2 months. She broke up with me because I didn’t treat her the way I should have. I’m heart broken but also now know that I was not ready for a relationship when I met her. I’m right now going through some personal changes and improving myself to be the man she wanted but I failed to be. Hopefully, I can go back and try to win her back by showing her that I really get it and things will be different because I’m different and better. I know I have to try to win her back because I’ve never met anyone like her and feel she’s the one. I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try.

  8. says: Malarie

    Spot on. I had this happen to me and he had to beg on his hands and knees and really convince me he realizes the mistakes he made. He also had to explain to me how he would work with me to solve those problems we had in the relationship. If I’d felt that things would be the same as before I’d have moved on.

  9. says: Kesead

    She tried to talk me out of it saying she did not want us to become strangers but I went ahead with n/c anyway. Ever since, she has been ice cold and indifferent. I’ve reached out to her with letters or email about once every couple weeks, which seems to make her even angrier. Yesterday she sent me an email saying she just wants me to leave her alone. In hindsight, I wish I had never did n/c. My little boy reaction of fear of rejection seems to have created the reality. At this point, I’ve lost all hope of ever getting her back. I don’t think anything will change her mind.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Given that she asked you not to cut off all contact after the break up and you did it anyway, I’m sure she feels her indifference is justified.

      My advice for you is to step back, just stop trying to get her back, but don’t close the door behind you either. Don’t say, I’m moving on or something to that effect. Just go on living your life and not try to pursue her or expect her to pursue you. This alone will not change her mind but it will at least show that you respect her wish to leave her alone.

  10. says: Wiser P

    The hardest part is not knowing what she’s thinking. I think I could move on better if I just knew she didn’t want to get back together at all.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I agree with you that hardest part of this process is not knowing what the other is thinking. It’s even harder when you can’t make up your mind as to what you really want to do – move on or try to get your ex back. You can’t have it both ways. The more energy and time you spend moving back and forth, the less energy and time you have to focus on either one. That’s when you feel really stuck.

  11. says: Lunar

    This is exactly what I needed to read for some positive reinforcement!

    “Be demonstrative, but do it with dignity.”

    Thanks for this and all of your other wonderful articles, Doc.

  12. says: Cissey

    Yangki, you’re so right about responding instead of reacting. My ex and I had an incident a couple of days ago where I felt that he was trying to push my buttons. He always complained that I fight nasty and act defensive for no reason. In this incident, I took a deep breath and instead of getting defensive sent a text back keeping it factual as I needed to be without being nasty. He responded with “Wow! what did you do with my ex?” and a smiley.

  13. says: Paul

    Then how do I get her back if I don’t know if she wants me back or not. Is there some way to know what she’s thinking?

    1. There is no way of knowing what anyone thinks unless they tell you. But you can try to figure out how they feel by their actions. For example: if she makes an effort to keep contact with you, you can tell she still has a positive view of you; if she’s asking friends about your dating life, it’s likely that she still thinks there might be a chance or that you’re still not over her; if she asks to see you face to face, it means she’s once again comfortable in your physical space and might even mean that she’s actually interested in finding out if the “chemistry” is still there. etc.

      This article will also help: 5 Signs Your Ex Is Becoming Interested Again

  14. says: Bayz

    Yangki, my ex and I have been broken up for 2 months. I read your site and maintained contact, we text each other just to say hi and catch up. Yesterday he asked if im seeing someone and i asked why he was asking me, he said he just wanted to know. Why do you think he asked if im seeing someone?

    1. 1) He may be thinking of the two of you getting back together and wanted to see if you were still available, 2) he asked knowing very well that you are not dating anyone and just wanted to see how you’d respond, or 3) he heard rumours and wanted to give you the opportunity to tell him yourself.

  15. says: Rockybigy

    For the last 2 months we’ve been trying to get back together, but she keeps saying she does not think we’re a match for each other. She acknowledges that I’m again the man she first fell in love with but says we’re not the same people we were three years ago. I don’t understand why if I’m again the original man she fell in love with, why can’t things go back to how they used to be?

    1. I understand your frustration, but I have to agree with her. Most people think that going back to the past will help a struggling relationship and to some degree it does, but as she says, people evolve and what they want and need changes with time. What was good enough three years ago, may not be good enough now.

      So if you really want to make this work, meet her at where she is NOW instead of trying to get things back to how they used to be.

  16. says: Julian

    Yangki, I agree 100% with everything you said above. However, I think you miss one very important point. Just like racism, there is so much more to be gained personally, financially and politically in propagating divisions between men and women. Corporations, Hollywood, the media, politicians, activist groups, authors etc. make millions of dollars from keeping us divided and separate.

    1. Did you say, “millions of dollars”?

      I take back everything I said about us being unique individuals and not just our gender.

      Ladies and gentlemen, Men are from Neptune and Women are from Mercury.

      Now where are my millions of dollars???…(:

  17. says: Katz

    Yangki, as for women trying to get their ex back and doing most of the heavy lifting, what are your thoughts about the notion that men prefer to pursue than be pursued?

    1. I have a lot to say about that, actually…(:

      First of all, I’m one woman who does not think that women are a certain way and men are a certain way. We (men and women) all are unique individuals with our own unique ways of thinking, feeling, acting and reacting. That’s what makes each of us “special”… like no other woman or man.

      I’ve found that women who recognize that each man is uniquely different, and men who recognize that each woman is uniquely different tend to relate better with the opposite sex, and have better, healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Those who think women think/feel/do this, and men think/feel/do that have a harder time attracting and relating to the opposite gender. They are busy looking for “clues” based on what they think women/men are supposed to think/feel/do, and find themselves too confused, too afraid or unable to attract and relate to the opposite gender.

      About pursuing… some people prefer to pursue, some people prefer to be pursued… most people don’t give a crap. If they are into you, it does not matter to them whether they are pursing you or you are pursuing them.

      If they are not into you… whether you pursue them or not, they are just NOT into you.

      It’s that simple. The rest is running around in circles chasing one’s own tail (no pun intended).

  18. says: Tony

    I left my girlfriend of 3 years for a woman I met online. After only 4 months with her, I realize I made a huge mistake. I’ve been trying to get my ex back but she does not want me back. She loved me well, I don’t know why I did it. Advice please.

    1. I don’t know if you can get her to take you back especially if you even don’t even know why you did what you did in the first place. This is not about your ex or the new woman, this is about you. You seem not to know what you want and in the process hurting others. Instead of trying to get your ex back, spend sometime trying to figure out what you want and finding happiness all by yourself without needing to attach yourself to someone else to be happy. Then may be you can try to get her back… it’s going to be tough though!

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