Should I Tell My Ex I Want Us To Have A Fresh Start?

Question: In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together. Fortunately, she’s still responding positively thanks to your ebook, I am not making any major mistakes. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say “I want us to have a fresh start?” and start over, but that’s not how it happens.

She already told you she wants to be single and date for a while, telling her you want a fresh start is not going to change her mind, she might even feel pressured and rethink keeping in contact with you.

The good thing is that she’s still responding positively, which means that she’s not yet completely closing the door to a possibility of getting back together in the future.

Instead of telling her you want a fresh start, show her what a new and improved, better relationship can be. She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, highlight the changes you have made in the way you act towards her, and also in the way you live your life.

You don’t have to directly say you have changed, instead show her how you’ve changed by not repeating the behaviours that caused problems (and the break-up) and by being better as a person and a better (potential) partner.

It goes with out saying, to achieve all this you must have done the necessary work of making yourself better. If she doesn’t see herself in a better relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

As for her wanting to be single and date for a while, you can’t do anything about that. She is going to do it whether you want it or not. As a good rule of life, don’t invest so much emotion and time on things you can’t change or control. Focus you time and energy on the things you can change and control, and right now, you control how you come across to her.

It will not happen overnight, the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to communicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

 

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  1. says: Gabby

    This is a positive site with good advice. My ex and I were apart for nearly two years and we both went on to date other people, but we kept in touch. My relationship ended first and his ended 8 months later. After talking about some things that had gone wrong with us, we both realised we still loved each other, but we did not get back together right away. We spent a few months dating and working through our issues before we got back together. We will be getting married in a few months.

  2. says: Erica

    My boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me three weeks ago after 9 years together. His reason was that “he didnt have fun with me anymore.” However, he indicated that he is still really attracted to me and we have communicated for the past three weeks about the relationship, his feelings and my feelings. I would really like to be able to talk to you with him about our relationship, but am not sure how to get him to agree to that. He is very private about his emotions and that is what caused our issues. I thought everything was fine in the relationship whereas he was having the opposite emotion. The continued communication makes me have hope for the relationship, but I dont know where to go from here…

  3. says: vinnie

    I have just separated with my wife about a month ago after almost 2 years of marriage been together for 4 years, she said she doesn’t feel the love no more, she needs some space and think what she wants. In a month time we have met about three times and talked on the phone few times, i wanted to celebrate our anniversary together but she came up with idea of not feel well, i really felt bad about this, i haven’t called her or contacted her by any means after that. I am taking it slowly and giving her space but i am confused i think i am drifting apart day by day, or is it too early for me to think?

  4. says: Sal2290

    I really love your advice. I’m a 43 year old man, was married 11 years. I met this wonderful amazing woman and had a relationship for 2 months. She broke up with me because I didn’t treat her the way I should have. I’m heart broken but also now know that I was not ready for a relationship when I met her. I’m right now going through some personal changes and improving myself to be the man she wanted but I failed to be. Hopefully, I can go back and try to win her back by showing her that I really get it and things will be different because I’m different and better. I know I have to try to win her back because I’ve never met anyone like her and feel she’s the one. I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try.

  5. says: Malarie

    Spot on. I had this happen to me and he had to beg on his hands and knees and really convince me he realizes the mistakes he made. He also had to explain to me how he would work with me to solve those problems we had in the relationship. If I’d felt that things would be the same as before I’d have moved on.