Should I Tell My Ex I Want Us To Have A Fresh Start?

Question: In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together. Fortunately, she’s still responding positively thanks to your ebook, I am not making any major mistakes. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say “I want us to have a fresh start?” and start over, but that’s not how it happens.

She already told you she wants to be single and date for a while, telling her you want a fresh start is not going to change her mind, she might even feel pressured and rethink keeping in contact with you.

The good thing is that she’s still responding positively, which means that she’s not yet completely closing the door to a possibility of getting back together in the future.

Instead of telling her you want a fresh start, show her what a new and improved, better relationship can be. She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, highlight the changes you have made in the way you act towards her, and also in the way you live your life.

You don’t have to directly say you have changed, instead show her how you’ve changed by not repeating the behaviours that caused problems (and the break-up) and by being better as a person and a better (potential) partner.

It goes with out saying, to achieve all this you must have done the necessary work of making yourself better. If she doesn’t see herself in a better relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

As for her wanting to be single and date for a while, you can’t do anything about that. She is going to do it whether you want it or not. As a good rule of life, don’t invest so much emotion and time on things you can’t change or control. Focus you time and energy on the things you can change and control, and right now, you control how you come across to her.

It will not happen overnight, the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to communicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

 

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  1. says: Steve

    My breakup was shattering enough to get me into therapy. Neither of us was perfect by any means, but I took her for granted and she finally had enough and left. Therapy has helped me see my own mistakes and showed me how I can be a better boyfriend for her. The problem is that she doesn’t want to talk to me or see me. She says she will only believe I’ve changed when she sees it. But how can she see it when she won’t talk to see me?

    1. That’s a tough place to be, but she’s right, you know. Seeing is believing. Most people say “I’ve changed” just to get an ex back after they get what they want they go back to being their old selves…

      If you have a mutual friend or someone you know she’s close to — and one who’ll agree to talk to her on your behalf (without taking sides), ask that person to explain to your ex that you will not try to pressure her into doing anything she does not want to. All you want is to “make up” to her for all the times you took her for granted. If it develops into something more… great! but if it does not, you’ll part ways knowing that you tried to be the person you were not in the relationship, and it just didn’t work out. If she agree to a ‘trial period”, please don’t try pushing “let’s get back together”. Your job is to SHOW her so she can believe (on her own) that you’re a better person. That’s all. The rest will sort itself out.

  2. says: Skater

    My ex left me on june 4th the day before she started her new job so i went to her job and wrote all over her car and how much i love her and i put roses in her drivers seat and she loved it she said i made her feel so special and then the next day we got into a little arguement and she broke up with me we have had a off and on relationship well shes been staying with her friend going out to clubs and has not really made contact with me i have met up with her and did what all guys do i begged her back but she could not even look me in the eye because i can tell she is trying to force herself not to be with me she has told me that she does not see things working out with us but i really love her and she told me she loves me but she doesnt know if she is still in love with me how can i get her back do i do no contact or what i just really want her back i know we can work on our problems we’ve been together for 2 and 1/2 years.

    1. I agree with you that it seems the love is still there but the other things happening in the relationship e.g. “little argument” is what is causing her to feel that it won’t work out. This is what needs to change. How much you love her is not the issue, if you two can have a healthy loving relationship is the issue.

      I suggest you read all my posts and articles on “no contact” because I strongly believe from years of experience helping men and women get their ex back, “no contact” is NOT a strategy for getting back an ex. It is not even a healthy way to build any kind of healthy loving relationship that will stand the test of time. Just search “no contact” and you’ll see many posts and articles and comments and responses to other questions on using no contact.

  3. says: Carmen Chu

    Thank you for this amazing site. I agree with Yangki that no contact has been misused by so many people. I used to be one of them. It was flattering when my ex contacted me. Eventually he’d come back and we’d breakup again. In 4 years, I broke up with him 3 times, he broke up with me 3 times. This last time he did not contact me. I waited and waited. I think he had enough. I realise now the issue was with me. I used no contact to get him back but never made any effort to address my issues. I still hurt and miss him but he says he gave me many chances and now he has lost all feelings for me.

    To all you using no contact to get back an ex, remember it is not to get anyone back, it is for you to heal, grow and move on because you had enough distance from your ex.