Question: In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together. Fortunately, she’s still responding positively thanks to your ebook, I am not making any major mistakes. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?
Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say “I want us to have a fresh start?” and start over, but that’s not how it happens.
She already told you she wants to be single and date for a while, telling her you want a fresh start is not going to change her mind, she might even feel pressured and rethink keeping in contact with you.
The good thing is that she’s still responding positively, which means that she’s not yet completely closing the door to a possibility of getting back together in the future.
Instead of telling her you want a fresh start, show her what a new and improved, better relationship can be. She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, highlight the changes you have made in the way you act towards her, and also in the way you live your life.
You don’t have to directly say you have changed, instead show her how you’ve changed by not repeating the behaviours that caused problems (and the break-up) and by being better as a person and a better (potential) partner.
It goes with out saying, to achieve all this you must have done the necessary work of making yourself better. If she doesn’t see herself in a better relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.
As for her wanting to be single and date for a while, you can’t do anything about that. She is going to do it whether you want it or not. As a good rule of life, don’t invest so much emotion and time on things you can’t change or control. Focus you time and energy on the things you can change and control, and right now, you control how you come across to her.
It will not happen overnight, the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.
A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to communicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.