Should I Still Contact My Ex If I’m Not Sure?

Question: Yangki, doesn’t taking time out, not texting or calling him help you realize if you really want someone back or if you’re just too used having him around? I’m not trying to make him miss me, I just want to be sure he’s right for me.

Yangki’s Answer: Yes. It is helpful for those that are NOT sure they want their ex back to take time on their own to figure out what it is that they really want. But not texting or calling should only be for a very brief period of time, no more than two weeks. It helps a lot if your ex is aware of what you are doing.

In my experience however, when someone is not sure he/she wants his/her ex back, the relationship probably wasn’t that good or fulfilling to begin with, may be even toxic. The chances of getting back together are very, very low — and the person “taking time out” probably already knows it but hasn’t yet come to terms with his/her reality, or is trying to “save face” by making it look like they are the ones that decided the relationship was not worth anymore effort.

Taking time out is more often than not a period to transition to “moving on”; and there is nothing wrong with moving on. Some people need that.

But if there is even a slight doubt in your mind, completely cutting off all ties is a HUGE risk especially if the relationship wasn’t that good or fulfilling to begin with, or if your ex broke it off because you were needy, controlling, insecure, too many arguments or some other behaviour that made him/her feel that the relationship wasn’t worth putting anymore effort in.

Your ex is NOT going to “wait around” for you to realize if you want him/her back, or not. You may in fact, inadvertently be giving your ex THE PUSH he/she needs to move on.

So while taking time out to figure out if you want someone back or not is helpful for YOU, it may not be helpful for the relationship (if you still have hopes of one).

It’s best to keep the lines of communication open even when trying to figure out what you want, if you think that there is a chance that you may need that open line of communication. It doesn’t have to be full blown communication like you are still a couple, just some form of flow of communication between the two of you.

Re-building lines of communication after long absence is harder than most people realize. In your “emotional moment”, you may not be thinking too far ahead, but the decision you make will impact the future — whether it was your intention or not.

As I said in other articles, don’t burn bridges and don’t close doors behind you if there is even a slight chance that you may want to walk back through the same bridge or door.

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13 Comments

  • Yangki, how do I know I am emotionally ready to try to get back my ex? It’s been 2 months and the emotions are still raw. How does one tell they are over the break and ready to start over with their ex or some one else?

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    • Everyone is different in terms of how fast they bounce back. Have you taken the “How Are You Doing Post-Break-Up?” Quiz. It’s worth taking, if anything just so you have an idea how well (or not) you are doing. It’s one of the quizzes in the menu above.

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  • My ex has been leading me on for the last 8 months. He says he still wants me in his life and enjoys sex with me but does not want to talk about the relationship. No matter how many times I bring it up he always manages to avoid talking about it. I’m thinking of cutting off all contact so he knows what’s like not to have me in his life. Good idea or damaging to my chances of getting him back?

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    • You do what you think is best for you. I personally don’t think cutting off all contact is going to make much of a difference.

      Seems to me you have been misleading yourself hanging on to the fact that he says he still wants you in his life and enjoys sex with you, and ignoring the fact that after 8 months, he still does not want to talk about a relationship with you.

      In my opinion, cutting off all contact is just your attempt to not deal with an unpleasant reality. You said yourself that “he has being leading me on”, to me that says that deep inside you know that the two of you are not getting back together. At some point you have to face reality and stop playing mind games with yourself!

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  • I’m just confused and need to know who should initiate the communication first after a breakup. He ended things with me because he felt I was being to aggrevated/ nagging. Said he needs space (break up) but I miss him so much and don’t know what else to do. Oh we ended on good terms, no harsh words were used or anything like that. Please advice, it’s only been 3 days 🙁

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    • There is an article on that: Who Should Initiate Contact- Dumper or Dumpee?.
      I also suggest you do a search on “contact” and also “needs space”, plenty of advice that you’ll find helpful. Notably, when it comes to successfully getting back your ex, who initiates contact and how much contact means little to nothing.

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    • Emotional distance does not require you to “distance yourself” physically i.e. “no contact”. You can achieve emotional distance while in contact by not talking about past or “the relationship”. Stop digging up the past, focus on the present and the past will fade into the background. When you are both in a good place, you can then safely talk about the past.

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  • I wasn’t sure where to post this. I ended my relationship a year ago and regret it every day. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. At 52 I have been with many women but I can truly say I have only loved like this one time, with her.

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    • Maybe you should reach out to her and let her know how you feel. Start with a simple “hi, how are you?” text and leave it up to her to respond — or not. The as things progress, let her know how you feel. She may be thinking you never loved her, don’t care, or have moved on.

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