Should I Still Contact My Ex If I’m Not Sure?

Question: Yangki, doesn’t taking time out, not texting or calling him help you realize if you really want someone back or if you’re just too used having him around? I’m not trying to make him miss me, I just want to be sure he’s right for me.

Yangki’s Answer: Yes. It is helpful for those that are NOT sure they want their ex back to take time on their own to figure out what it is that they really want. But not texting or calling should only be for a very brief period of time, no more than two weeks. It helps a lot if your ex is aware of what you are doing.

In my experience however, when someone is not sure he/she wants his/her ex back, the relationship probably wasn’t that good or fulfilling to begin with, may be even toxic. The chances of getting back together are very, very low — and the person “taking time out” probably already knows it but hasn’t yet come to terms with his/her reality, or is trying to “save face” by making it look like they are the ones that decided the relationship was not worth anymore effort.

Taking time out is more often than not a period to transition to “moving on”; and there is nothing wrong with moving on. Some people need that.

But if there is even a slight doubt in your mind, completely cutting off all ties is a HUGE risk especially if the relationship wasn’t that good or fulfilling to begin with, or if your ex broke it off because you were needy, controlling, insecure, too many arguments or some other behaviour that made him/her feel that the relationship wasn’t worth putting anymore effort in.

Your ex is NOT going to “wait around” for you to realize if you want him/her back, or not. You may in fact, inadvertently be giving your ex THE PUSH he/she needs to move on.

So while taking time out to figure out if you want someone back or not is helpful for YOU, it may not be helpful for the relationship (if you still have hopes of one).

It’s best to keep the lines of communication open even when trying to figure out what you want, if you think that there is a chance that you may need that open line of communication. It doesn’t have to be full blown communication like you are still a couple, just some form of flow of communication between the two of you.

Re-building lines of communication after long absence is harder than most people realize. In your “emotional moment”, you may not be thinking too far ahead, but the decision you make will impact the future — whether it was your intention or not.

As I said in other articles, don’t burn bridges and don’t close doors behind you if there is even a slight chance that you may want to walk back through the same bridge or door.

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13 Comments

  • The advice on this site is the total opposite of everything I had been reading for the last couple of months. We were together a year and five months. We failed to communicate and she ended up breaking it off. I am giving her space to figure things out but I also feel like I’m wasting my time.

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    • If you think “giving her space to figure things out” will fix your communication problem, then you are wasting your time.

      You can’t learn to communicate better with each other by not communicating.

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