Should I Send My Ex An Apology Letter? (To Get Them Back)

Question: Should I send my ex an apology letter and apologize for hurting her and own up to my mistakes or is this a bad idea?

My ex and I have had no contact for over a month. After begging and pleading to get back together, I stopped bothering her and left her alone. Knowing her, she will not read out first. I have always had to make the first move. I’m thinking of sending her a letter apologizing for hurting her and own up to my mistakes. Nothing sappy or depressing. Or do you think an apology letter is a bad idea? I do want her back.

Yangki’s Answer: Should you send your ex an apology letter (slow mail, email or text)? My experience over the years is that it depends.

On one hand, a heartfelt letter apologizing for hurting your ex and owning up to your mistakes maybe something your ex needs to know that you truly understand and take full responsibility for your role in the break-up. On the other hand, an apology letter may overload an ex with feelings and emotions that they don’t want to feel and might not be well received. And if not well thought out, an ex may see an apology letter as just an attempt to change their mind, get back in their grace and get them back; especially if the apology is heavy on how much you love them and want them back etc., and light on taking full responsibility for your actions and feelings.

In general, I don’t advice apologizing to your ex immediately after your breakup. Pushing your feelings on an ex just after a break-up will make you look even more desperate. It’s best to wait until they’re ready to hear you out. In many cases, an apology letter doesn’t really do anything to get back your ex.

At the end of the day, whether or not you should send your ex an apology letter should be your decision, because you’re the only one who knows how you truly feel.

If you decide to send your ex an apology letter, think long and hard before you send the apology. Will your ex read your letter, email, or text or not, and if they do, will they appreciate or will it make them angry, or hurt more than they already are hurting.

Make sure that you take full responsibility without justifying or downplaying your words or actions. More importantly, do not use this as an opportunity to try to get back together. She’ll think this is the only reason you’re apologizing. Let the apology stand on its own merit.

A good apology is short and to the point. If you think you can handle it by phone, give her a call. Words always sound more sincere when heard than read.

Last but not least, do not expect your ex to respond. There’s a chance your ex may not even read your apology letter. If she responds, don’t get your hopes up that this means that your ex wants to get back together. All it means is that your ex accepts your apology.

Regardless of how your ex responds, an apology can help you heal.

RELATED:

Should I Apologize to My Ex For Being Needy and Clingy?

Is It Too Late To Get My Ex Back If I Apologized So Late?

Do Avoidants Apologize To You When They Hurt You?

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10 Comments

  1. says: Shange

    I can testify to the fact that explaining why you did what you did is a waste of time, and more likely to backfire. She used every word I said against me and accused me of trying to put all the blame on her. Thankfully I was in control of my emotions and instead just said, “I’m sorry I hurt you”. She was silent for a minute and said “I’m sorry too, for all the horrible things I said to you.” That was it. Our conversations though still very random and far between are more civil.

  2. says: Edd

    We broke up because she said I did not show my feelings. I did not see it coming and did all the wrong things. Now that we have had time apart from one another I want to open my heart and tell her how I feel. The problem is I don’t know how to show her my true feelings without feeling desperate. I was thinking of writing her a letter with my thoughts in it. What do you think? Thanks.

    1. I think that you should start with a simple text. Then if she responds and starts warming up to you, then you can share your feelings.

      Remember with telling people “how you feel about them”, ALWAYS do it in small dozes they can digest. Too much is… well.. too much. That’s what scares most people and makes them run instead.

  3. says: Bev707

    I cannot thank you enough for your help. I called my ex and he answered the very first time. We chatted for 30 minutes and it was quite nice. We’re going out for lunch next weekend. I’m so beside myself with excitement. You truly know what you’re talking about, and actually care with great deal of compassion.

    PS:I just bought dating your ex ebook and will follow the steps word for word :). Thank you so much!

  4. says: Mansoor

    I read this post yesterday and contacted my ex. We’ve had no contact since we broke up three weeks ago. She broke up with me. She didn’t want any contact because she believes exes can’t remain friends. For her it’s all or nothing. But I contacted her anyway. It was a simple text with hi, I was wondering how you’re doing. It’s been a while. Two hours later, she texted back saying she was surprised but happy to hear from me. But then said, she didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be in contact just yet. She said she is still thinking about how I hurt her and is not over it yet. I’m actually pleasantly surprised that she texted back. But now what?

    1. Good for you… 🙂 I don’t know what you did to hurt her that bad, trying to make her talk won’t help things. Send her a reply saying you completely understand. You did hurt her badly and she has every right to feel the way she does. Then tell her you’ll be ready to talk when she’s ready. You’ll probably not get a response back, but that does not matter. The point is to keep the lines of communication open – and you still in the picture. Next you need a plan/strategy on how you’re going to proceed when she contacts you. The risk of things backfiring are higher when you work just on impulse alone.

  5. says: Bev707

    Thank you for writing this encouraging post. It gives me a glimmer of hope for my situation. I broke up with him 4 months ago for what now seems like a very silly reason. He begged me not to do it but I didn’t listen. But 4 months I’ve thought about him everyday. Everything around me reminds me of the great times we had together. I’ve toyed with the idea of reaching out to him and try to reopen the lines of communication but may be it is potentially over and he has moved on from me. I know from reliable sources that he’s not dating anyone in particular and has mentioned me on several occasions. They’ve also told me he still wears the watch I bought him, which I’m sure reminds him of me. Is 4 months too long to be away/start reopening the lines of communication?

    1. There is only one way to find out. Initiate contact. Email or call him depending on what you’re comfortable doing. Just say you were wondering how he is doing and mention a little bit about positive things happening in your life. Then may be follow it with how when you were doing x or y, something about it reminded you of him. The “reminded me of you” sounds like a perfectly good reason for why you made contact after 4 months. But don’t say anything about missing him or all the “broken heart” sappy stuff. You may be dying to tell him how you still think of him every minute of everyday and remind him of all the great times you had together but you’re not even sure if he wants to hear all that stuff. So keep it to yourself — for now! Good luck! 🙂

  6. says: DAVES

    I’m having a hard time understanding the mixed signals I’m getting from my ex. She dumped me and told me not to call her or contact her in any way. After just a week she called me saying she made a mistake and wants me back. We started to text each other regularly and then suddenly no replies from her. She replies once to 3 – 4 texts from me and is always positive and upbeat. I’m not entirely clear about what her intentions are. Is she testing me or is she just keeping the lines of communication open?

    1. I don’t know if she’s testing you. Is she that kind of person? I do however think by not responding to your texts, she is not trying to keep the lines of communication open. My suggestion is send her one more text telling her if she’s serious about wanting to get back together, then she not only make an effort to respond to your texts but initiate contact as well, otherwise you don’t see where this is going. If she steps up, then you know she’s serious. But if she doesn’t, just move on or less you’ll be playing her game for months and still not get back together.

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