Should I Reach Out Or Wait For My Ex to Initiate A Text?

Question: We went out on three dates and he seemed really into me, but I think he lost interest because I acted shy and awkward around him. The last time we went out, he made some remark about sometimes letting my hair down and live a little. The next day we spoke on the phone briefly and since then it’s been two weeks and I’ve not heard from him.

I’ve had my share of men most of whom I was not interested in. This guy is different and I really enjoyed every moment we spent together. It frustrates me so much that I failed to show him the fun-loving side of me. All my female friends say I should leave him alone but my male friends on the other hand say I should reach out to him and see where it goes. I do not want to be too forceful or give him the impression I’m chasing him. I guess I am just old fashioned. He initiated all the calls and arranged all the dates. What do you think, should I reach out to him and see where it goes or should I just let this go?

Yangki’s Answer: I think that if you really enjoy his company that much that you should call, email or text him, whatever you feel comfortable doing. I don’t think that reaching out to him just once will look like you are chasing him or being forceful. If you make a habit of calling him all the time or expecting him to call you (and complaining when he doesn’t), then that’s aggressively chasing him.

The worst that can happen here is that he will not respond but at least you know the ball is in his court and you didn’t just drop it and let the man of your dreams slip through your fingers.

If you get that chance to hang out with him again, let him see you as you. Just enjoy your time together. Don’t worry too much about trying to impress him and instead share with him who you as a person and also show some interest in him as a person. If you’re easy to get along with, laugh and express yourself naturally, he’ll be drawn to that energy. But if you’re trying too hard to impress him, it means you’ve tuned into your own thoughts and most likely coming across as  uptight or boring.

If you’re worried about being too forceful or giving him the impression you’re chasing him, then don’t bring up the “where is this going” type conversation until you’re into “a relationship”. Bringing up these conversations too early into the “get to know you” stage is usually what makes most men feel that a woman is being too forceful.

If you don’t get that chance then maybe next time be a little more open, fun and show you’re interested with the next guy you really like so it could lead to something more.

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  1. says: Jaron

    I screwed up. Two weeks of things moving forward then I called him a week ago. The conversation started well and then I became clingy and it ended up lasting too long. He said he had to go, I asked if I can call him later and he said “sure”. I called and he didn’t respond. Later I got a text saying he was with friends and will text me the next day. He didn’t text me, so I send him a light text, no response. It’s been three days and I haven’t heard from him. What do you think is going on?

    1. You are right, you became needy. Give it a few more days (no more than 4 days since last contact), and if you don’t hear from him, send him a text and go from there.

      Just make sure you don’t overstay your welcome next time. If the responses suddenly take longer to come or his responses become short, it’s time to wrap things up… and reach out again at a later time, and keep reaching to keep things going forward.

  2. says: DrTate

    Interesting discussion Love Doctor and Sugarbabe.

    Many guys like me simply do not pick up the signals women send and even what women might consider clear signs of interest may fly right over our heads. Sometimes we think we’re merely imagining things or over interpreting her signals. The times a woman has asked me out, she usually was direct, confident and honest. How could I resist?! lol

  3. says: Magn

    I’m so glad I came across this blog and this article. I’m dating really good guy but we’re not enjoying the relationship because of my tendency to think the worst and worry about him getting bored and leaving me for someone else. This has been my issue which I know I need to address and I’ve already started seeing a counselor. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy life for what it would bring with this guy.
    Thank you for your positive and helpful advice.

  4. says: Sugarbabe

    Men eventually lose interest if the woman is the one who did the approaching because men by nature are the hunters.

    1. If a man really likes (and loves) a woman, the fact that she approached him will not matter to him. But if he’s not that all into her, “I lost interest because you approached me first” is a perfectly good excuse out of something he knew deep down wouldn’t have lasted or even had a chance to begin with.

      … but make her feel she had a chance but ruined it!

  5. says: Batgirl

    Some men approach any and every woman, are skilled at chatting women up, know where, when and how to touch them etc. but incapable of making a true connection with any of them. It’s an ego thing for them and women fall for it because they don’t think they have (or don’t want to have) the power to do anything about it.

  6. says: Jake

    A woman approaching a man doesn’t come off desperate in my opinion if she is confident and personable. I think what matters most is chemistry and mutual attraction. Beyond that it does not matter who approached or asked who first.

  7. says: Beauty&Brains

    I do both. If I really like a guy I will flirt like crazy and try to make him think he approached me first. But if that doesn’t work I have no problem chatting up a guy. But then again, both come easy to me. Lots of self-esteem and being comfortable in your own skin, I guess.

  8. says: James

    Finally dating advice that makes sense. From having 2 younger sisters and my own mom and step-dad being happily married for 14 years before his death (she made the first move) I know your advice is right on target!

    From my own experience with many guys/girls I knew is that most guys that enjoy the chase enjoy just that, the chase, the challenge and rarely anything more. Once the challenge is over its off to the next girl.

    Most women that would disagree with your advice and follow most of the other bad advice from the majority of other dating “experts” out there will be the same women whining on another thread about “where are all the decent men at” or result to their name calling of all men (like we’re all the same).

    Unfortunately, whenever someone makes a good point they get attacked by the majority with bad or selfish intentions, most of the other dating advice i’ve read is more like advice for how to be a player or pick-up artist. I’m glad i’ve found this site, keep up the good work!

  9. says: Hakim

    I think that if you are interested you should let someone know. It’s up to him or her to return the interest, or not.

    1. I totally agree. But there lies the problem for many…

      They are either too afraid of rejection or too controlling to leave the decision to the other person. Just the thought of ” It’s up to him or her” scares them nuts.

  10. says: Sharon B

    This post would have been more helpful if it was about ways women can make it easier for a men to approach them… send out more clear signals etc. It’s always been the man’s role to approach a woman and women don’t have to approach men unless she’s desperate.

    1. There’s that school of thought and I respect your position. However, I’m not saying women HAVE to approach men. Some women like you obviously have a problem with it, and that’s OK.

      I think that if a woman wants to take the initiative and own the power to choose who she dates instead of complaining about men not approaching her, or about meeting only losers (who approach her), why try to take that from her with statements like “unless she’s desperate?”

      We all should do what we have to do and let others do what they want to do. Makes life easier for everybody… (:

  11. says: Patrick

    Excellent advice for all women everywhere. My now ex acted like she was not into me and I believed her. Now that I met someone else, she’s all of a sudden telling me all these feelings she has for me. She keeps asking me if she had told me how she feels, would it have made a difference. Thing is, I don’t know. All I know is that this other woman is less guarded and more fun to be with. I just can’t see myself going to back to my ex.

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