Should I Leave My Ex Alone?

should-i-leave-my-ex-to-figure-out-what-he-wantsQuestion: I was with my ex for 3.5 months but he said things were moving too fast for him and he wanted a break. I didn’t contact him and he didn’t contact me. After two months I reached out and we started talking and also go out on dates. We get along very well and I can see that he’s still attracted but he says he does not know where things stands for us. He also said he does not want anything serious and wants to date other women. I’m thinking of just leaving him alone until he figures out his feelings, but I am worried that we were not together long enough to have formed a strong bond. I’ve read many of your articles but still don’t know how to get him to commit to me. Please help!

Yangki’s Answer: I think that he knows exactly how he feels and what he wants. He made it clear when he asked for a break that he wasn’t comfortable that things were moving too fast.

“Just leaving him alone” will not make him want something more serious. You “left him alone” for a month, and he’s still not ready.

You have different expectations for how fast things should move. He must have thought that a break would slow things down a bit but realizes that it doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

Since I don’t know what your expectations are for the relationship, I am unable to give specific advice on the best course of action. I’m hoping that by “commit to me” you mean commit to being exclusive, or to spending more time together so you get to know each other better — 3.5 months is too soon to be making a lifetime commitment.

If this is what you want and he’s not giving it to you:

1) You may have to adjust your expectations to a pace he’s comfortable with; or

2) Find a better way of asking for what you want.

Very often we don’t get what we want because we are too afraid to ask for fear of driving the other person away., or we ask in ways that make us come across as needy, demanding or complaining.

I suggest that you do both — ask for what you want but be open to a middle ground you both are happy with.

If you don’t ask you will not get what you want, and if you keep pushing things at the pace you want, you’ll push him away.

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  1. says: Ann

    My situation is different in a way that we were together for 3 years, broke up and because of legal reason, we were still staying together for another year. Recently we’ve moved out to live separately and he told me that we should both let go of the past, which I understand, but also said that we should be open to seeing other people and if fate does bring us back then he wants to start fresh as friends. I can tell that he also doesn’t know what he wants and I want to listen and respect his need so what should I do in this circumstance that would be best for us? Thank you!

    1. I think that the best course of action is exactly what he’s suggesting, which I think is reasonable, mature and healthy.

      Keep the lines of communication open, date other people and explore your separate lives, and if and when you both decide you want to give the relationship another try, start fresh as friends.