Should I Continue to Initiate Contact With My Ex?

Question: We’ve been texting pretty much every day, but I am always the one initiating it. We chat for 20 – 30 minutes on average and we get along well. We’re in the same industry, like the same TV shows, and share many common interests. I feel like I should be getting a little more interest from her. I posted my situation on another forum and was told not to initiate contact for a few days. I did that a couple of times and heard nothing from her for 4 days the first time and a week the second time. In your dating your ex book you talk about building momentum and over the past few weeks, I think I’ve been able to do that. I want to keep the momentum going, but I don’t want to appear needy either. Please help.

Yangki’s Answer: First of all, you should be proud of yourself for being able to build momentum in such a short time. It’s a testimony to your relationship and to your efforts.

That said, there are two things I need to point out that may undermine the progress you’ve made. Both are discussed in the book, but I still need to bring them to your attention, so you don’t get to a point where you can’t course-correct.

1. It’s normal to feel that you should be getting a little more interest from her. But as discussed in the book, in the initial stages (1 – 3 months or more for some people), you do most of the initiating contact, just because you are the one trying to get her back.

2. Also as discussed in the book, you are seen as needy not because you contact someone or because you say certain words. You are seen as needy because he/she feels that you need more (contact, time, closeness, commitment etc) than he/she is able to give you, is willing to give you, or is appropriate for where things stand between the two of you.

As you said, she likes talking to you, so for now continue with what you are doing. If you keep the emotional momentum going, you’ll start to see her initiate more and show more engagement.

You’ve come this far, don’t let frustration get the best of you.

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