Should I Match My Avoidant Ex’s Energy – What Do You Think?

Question: I have a bad case of anxious attachment and tend to spiral out of control when I don’t get a response especially after a disagreement and I’m trying to apologize and get things back to us being good again. I also get very anxious when after spending intimate time together my avoidant ex pulls back. I feel used and discarded and lately, I’ve pulled back to match his distance.

Not texting him is helping me feel less anxious but for the last few days he’s pulled back and I’m starting to worry that he’s feeling that I’m not reaching out and doesn’t care.

Back story: Two days after I stopped reaching out he initiated his first text, and we chatted for 3 hours, the longest we’ve chatted since the breakup. He initiated another text a day later but when I responded, he was cold and only polite. He’s been that way for tow weeks now; he responds after hours or a day and barely says anything. I feel like since I pulled back, he’s more distant and he’s pulling back more. I don’t know whether I should keep matching his energy or talk to him about how I feel. What do you think?

Yangki Answer: I think that like most people, you’ve confused “matching their energy” with “matching their distance”. I explain the difference in detail in my article: Match Your Avoidant Ex’s Energy — Not Their Emotional Distance.

The behaviour you are seeing in your ex is what happens when you match their emotional distance. You didn’t say your ex was a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant, so I’ll explain what happens when you match avoidant distance:

1. When you match a dismissive avoidant’s emotional distance

Dismissive avoidant notice when you pull back but it takes them a while.

• At first it’s like, “Hm! They’re not bothering me as much, thank God!”.
• Then it’s “I wonder what’s going on, maybe I’ll check if they’re okay”.
• ‘Then, nah. If something was wrong, they’d be texting non-stop.”

In other words, you pulling back is not going to make a dismissive avoidant want more connection. Dismissive avoidants pretty much let you do what you want to do as long as it doesn’t cross their boundaries or interfere with their sense of freedom.

2. When you match a fearful avoidant’s emotional distance

Based on the little information you gave, your ex is likely a fearful avoidant.

Fearful avoidants are part anxious and part avoidant, when you pull back they immediately notice it.

Anxious part: You pulling back can feel like abandonment. In the short term can trigger them to want to get closer and even chase you. But once the initial anxiety spikes, their avoidant side kicks in and they pull away to regain control.

Avoidant part: You pulling back can also send the message you’re unhappy with something they’re doing or have done. This may make a fearful avoidant pull back to protect themselves from getting hurt. That’s best case scenario. Worst case scenario, you’re communicating inconsistency and making it harder for a fearful avoidant to trust you

In other words, matching a fearful avoidant’s distance initially triggers fear of abandonment but it often backfires and creates even more emotional distance than before.

That said, I can understand why you felt you needed to step back. The mistake you made was match his distance instead of match the time and effort he’s putting in to sustain connection. That is, instead of pulling back and creating distance, you should have cut down on the time and effort you’re putting in to keep the connection alive.

You still reach out but if for example you reach out every 3 days, start reaching out every 4 or 5 days. Instead of trying to keep conversations going, let the conversation fade naturally.

Redirect the time and effort you were putting in to keep the connection alive to taking care of yourself and doing thing that make you happy.

With avoidant exes, more effort doesn’t necessary equal more connection. Often times more effort on your part feels like pressure or suffocating and they pull back. Matching the time and effort they put in without matching their distance can help you rebalance the dynamic and stop the over-functioning that’s contributing to you feeling anxious.

But this shouldn’t be a long-term solution, the long term solution is directly communicating what you need from them and setting boundaries that help protect your energy and protect the relationship.

So yes, without hesitation or reservation talk to him about how you feel. I don’t know how many articles I’ve written about why not being honest about how you feel or what you need is the worst kind of self-sabotage. So talk to him, talk to him.

Fearful avoidants are actually very reasonable people when their internal conflict is not disorganizing them. And unlike most dismissive avoidant’s, most fearful avoidants are sensitive to other’s people’s needs. It’s one of the strengths of their attachment style.

What makes a difference is how you talk to them – if it puts them on the defensive or appeals to their sensitive side.

RELATED:

How to Match Your Avoidant Ex’s Energy — Not Their Distance

Over-Functioning When Contacting an Avoidant Ex?