Should I Ask My Ex What to Focus On Changing?

Question: I have been making changes to myself to prove to her that I’ve changed. But what if these aren’t the changes that affected my ex? Wouldn’t it be better to ask her so I know for sure what to focus on changing? How would I talk to her about this?

Yangki’s Answer: My advice is not to go to her and specifically ask what changes she thinks you should make. Asking her what to focus on changing is telling her:

1) You still don’t get it

Exes expect you to know how you hurt them, where you fell short and what you need to do. If you don’t know, how can they trust that you to know how not to hurt them or how to be a better partner (without them having to tell you)?

2) You’re only changing for her (to get her back)

Exes in general don’t like it when you change for them. They want to know that any changes that you make are for you.

You actually come off as needy, weak and even co-dependent if you are changing to meet someone else’s expectations instead of changing because you feel that is what will make you a better human being and a better partner whether you get back together or not.

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