Should I Ask My Ex What I Need to Change – And How Do I Ask?

Question: We have been broken up for almost 6 months. She broke up with me, so many reasons I can’t go into details. The summary is that I was immature and did not act like a boyfriend should. She was right and since the break-up, I have been making changes to myself because I love her and a life together. I feel really good about who I am now as I have changed a lot and feel that I have grown so much. There’s been no contact for the last 6 months. She wanted to stay in contact but it hurt so much that I wasn’t in the position to keep talking to her, and I needed time to work on myself and my growth.

I am ready to open up the lines of communication and have a text ready for next week. My only worry now is what if these aren’t the changes that affected my ex? Wouldn’t it be better to ask her so I know for sure what to focus on changing? How would I talk to her about this?

Yangki’s Answer: Good for you for all the work you have done to be a better you. How come now after 6 months and after the work you say you have done are you asking if you need to ask her what you need to change. Wouldn’t it have been better to ask her like 6 months ago?

What can go wrong after 6 months of no contact, to contact your ex and ask her “what do you think I need to change?” Everything.

You don’t know what has happened in the last 6 months. You don’t know if she even wants to reopen the lines of communication. She could have moved on.

First reopen the lines of communication and get things warmed up again before you even bring up anything about changing. If you have changed as much as you say you have, she’ll probably see the changes right away, and may even mention how much you have changed.

In general, asking someone directly “what do you think I need to change?” is not a good idea, however well you phrase the question. She will think:

1) You still don’t get it

Exes expect you to know how you hurt them, where you fell short and what you need to do. If you don’t know, how can they trust that you to know how not to hurt them or how to be a better partner (without them having to tell you)?

2) You’re only changing for her (to get her back)

Exes in general don’t like it when you change for them. They want to know that any changes that you make are for you.

You actually come off as needy, weak and even co-dependent if you are changing to meet someone else’s expectations instead of changing because you feel that is what will make you a better human being and a better partner whether you get back together or not.

My advice is to show the changes you have already made. If there are more things that you need to work on, they will come up as you try to create a new and better relationship.

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