Question: Should I apologize to my ex for being needy and clingy; can I get my ex back after being needy? I hate myself right now for messing things up. We were communicating again steadily and after 2 weeks of texts; I suggested we meet up to talk. To cut the long story short, we ended up holding hands and she even kissed me. That was on Friday. Saturday and Sunday we talked on phone and she once again thanked me for the Friday dinner and time we shared.
Monday, I received no text from her all day despite me sending her a “how’s your day? text. It was the first day I hadn’t heard from her at all since we started communicating again. I knew something wasn’t right because she’s honest and up front and not a game player. But I played it cool because in the past I acted overly clingy, needy controlling and too anxious etc.
I also had kinda left it in her court because I was the one who had always made plans. I felt that letting her contact me would show that I was not going to become clingy and needy again. After 4 days of not hearing from her, I called her. She was a little cold and distant. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was sorry if she had given me the wrong impression that we we’re already back together. She was referring to me saying “I am glad we’re dating again”. For now, she just wanted to hang out and see where things go; and not at a place where she is ready to get back with me.
She wanted space and said she’ll get in touch. So my question is: How do I salvage this situation? I regret using the word “dating again” and have apologized. Should I apologize again for being needy and clingy’ and to reassure her that my intentions are not to rush things? I really want to be with her. I know she’s “the one” for me. Help me!
Yangki’s Answer: First things first. You need to calm down and get yourself together. You can’t think straight when your emotions are all over the place. Secondly, yes. You can get your ex back after being needy and clingy. Just because you acted needy and clingy with your ex doesn’t always mean it’s the end of the road.
Third, there is no need to apologize to your ex again for you being needy and clingy. You already apologized once, two times is making the issue bigger than it is.
She said she’ll get in touch, so give her space to process her emotions (her way). That is a good thing because it means the lines of communication are still open; but for now she needs space.
When she gets in touch, listen to what she has to say. If she mentions the incident again, tell her, it made you realize that you have some more personal work to do. Then say you want to continue with the way things had started but this time take it slow. You wants things to be comfortable for her and also do what’s right. This is to reassure her that you’re not only looking for a “feel good” relationship but a “feel right” relationship.
These are just stop measures. The problem here is your overly clingy, needy, controlling and too anxious etc tendencies.
You only started seeing each other and you’re already apologizing for being needy/clingy. That right there is a red flag for her. If you don’t work on why you’re this way, I can guarantee you with 100% certainty; you’ll be back in this very situation again and very soon. She may let it pass this time, but next time she may decide that you’re never going to change.
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I have been reading your articles for the last week and half and one thing that has become clear is that at 48, I have very little understanding of relationships. 2 divorces and a 3-year relationship and I am still making so many mistakes. I don’t know how old you are but your knowledge, understanding, compassion and positive attitude has made me want to try to get her back. I don’t know if it’s too late, but if I don’t try, I will never know and will never learn. So my dear, thank you all you are doing, and God bless you.
I hear you, and happy to be of some help. It’s people like you that make it worthwhile.
I am with you. If she means that much to you I think you should try to get her back. Like you said, regardless, you will have learned and acquired some useful skills.
Let me know if you need any more help. God Bless you right back!
I agree with not over-apologizing. She and I had a discussion about beginning a new relationship and I again apologized which made her angry. Then I apologized for making her angry and she became even more angry. At first I did not understand why she was angry but after many conversations she told me she lost love for me because she lost respect for me. She wants a man that stands up for himself and does not apologize all the time. I told her I can be that man, but she said I am too nice and can not change who I am. The sad part is that she’s right in a way, I am too nice.
I don’t think it’s just being “too nice”. You can be nice and be confident and assertive at the same time.
I think that you were too afraid to lose her that you were not being real, and she resents you for not being real with her.