Help! I’m In Love With A Married Woman

Question: I found my soul mate. She’s perfect! Only problem is…she’s married.  Every time we say goodbye after a few stolen hours together, my heart breaks knowing she is going back to her husband. The three of us work for the same company. I can’t move to another state or find another job that pays as good. This little secret is killing me. What’s the point in feeling so connected with someone you can’t share your love with? Any advice on coping with this moral dilemma would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance.

Yangki’s Answer: I won’t try to dismiss your strong feelings for her as a ‘crush’ or an ‘infatuation’ or a ‘passing fascination’, if you feel it’s love, then it’s love and I won’t dispute that. But remember she’s married to someone else and that means that she’s not yours – at least not right now. What’s making you feel so miserable is not because you love a married woman, what’s making you miserable is that you have expectations and those expectations are not being met.

Is she your soul mate? I don’t know. There are all kinds of different soul mates and not all soul mate relationships have to translate into a sexual or romantic relationship.

If you truly believe in your soul that this woman is your soul mate, then what I advice you to do is to quit obsessing over the fact that you can’t be with her in the way your ego wants and instead try to figure out why she came into your life. Is it to remind you that you need to reassess your life and the choices you make? Is it to bring to light things in your love life that may need work? Are you attracted to the idea of having her because she’s unavailable? Are you attracted to her because you are afraid of being in a relationship and she posses no threat? Do you have these feelings because she reminds you of what your soul really longs for? To ignore why you have feelings for this woman would be ignoring what your soul is trying to communicate to you.

Obsessing about the fact that you can’t be with her may be keeping you from finding a wonderful, unattached woman out there-who could be looking for you too; someone else who has the same terrific qualities you find attractive in this other woman.

I would not advice you to move especially if you have a job you love and has lots of career prospects. What I’d advice you to do is start looking at this woman with different lenses – the lenses of your soul. Treat her with respect and friendly affection and treat those she loves (husband and family) in the same way. You may end up with a friendship that goes on for decades. And remember, lives change over the course of decades. You might find that you’ve fallen out of love with her. She may find herself single again someday. Who knows what the future holds? But for now, do the right thing – which is also the wise thing to do.

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  • Do you both feel the same way? If I were you, I would first find out how she feels. If she feels the same way, and you both want to be with each other, then a piece of paper called marriage should not hold you back. If she feels you are just a friend and nothing more, then you need to honor her feelings as well.

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    • Sarah, I so agree that a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper… but I believe marriage itself is more than a piece of paper. It’s a “sacred” covenant between two people/souls… whether they love each other or not is a whole different thing. The fact that they agree to take those vows means that they “bind” themselves to them in front of witnesses.

      I also so agree with you that he should respect her feelings whatever they are… if someone loves another, it only seems natural that they should want what’s best for the other… and would want to “respect” the decisions the other makes and even “protect” the people the other cherishes.

      Where I do not agree with you is him trying to “make things happen” instead of letting them take their course. Most of us make this mistake of trying to make love do what we think it should do instead of letting love do what love does best! True love always finds a way… to each other. It always does! May be not in the way we expect or even want, but the way love knows is best for us…

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  • Hi,I’m in an alike situation and after reading this I think I’m ready to do what’s right. My situation is a little different cuz in my case I’m married too, but my feelings for my lover are real…But as Yangki says, if this love that I feel for her is real, as I know it is, then I must stay away from her to make things right. And I also need to start thinking deeply about my wife to make things work the best way.

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  • hi just a nice advice
    i needed it much more than anyone
    i like the idea of letting go and search for the reasons why she is in my life
    thanks a tonne

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  • Yangki, I’m trying to get my ex back, the problem is she’s married 7 years. She moved out to be with me but decided to go back to try to make things work with her husband. What should be my approach to get her back?

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    • I try as much as possible to work on behalf of love to make a relationship work… but in your case it’s hard to tell which relationship is on behalf of love.

      If it was her confused about which relationship to try to make work, I’d be happy to work with her to try to help her figure it out. May be she’s better off with you… but may be she’s better off with him. I don’t know.

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