How Much Sex Is Considered Normal ?

While there really is no excuse for infidelity, the growing trend of labeling every man (or woman) who has a sexual libido that is higher than what society has decided is “normal” a sex addict is is troubling. Without even knowing a person’s psychological or medical condition, we conclude that the only reason any man — any man at all — could possibly be able to have sex with 13 women and counting is because he is out of control and powerless to stop the compulsive behavior.

What if Tiger was just being Tiger? Tiger doing what men with a high sex drive have been doing from time unknown and men will be doing it till kingdom come. The only difference is that once upon a time (and still is in many cultures all over the world) men took more than one wife, had multiple relationships with mistresses and a series of one-night-stands with prostitutes.

Obsession? Addiction? Or just high sex drive? And who decides how many times is too many times already? Without talking to the person, how do we even come to the conclusion that the need to have sex is unmanageable or that the person is experiencing tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing? Are we there watching the person having sex to decide they don’t enjoy it but just doing it to temporarily self-medicate in an effort to alleviate stress, emotional or psychological pain?

Have we as a society become so afraid of our sexual urges that anyone who is capable of having sex with 13 women and counting is automatically considered “sick?”

PS: This is not an endorsement of what Tiger Woods did. Hardly. No one is responsible for Tiger’s actions except for Tiger. Tiger messed up when he took those marriage vows and broke them. No doubt he is paying for more than the price for it. This is simply being real with ourselves and the lies about sex we as a society live.

Let me know what you think.

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  1. says: Ed

    Who says I want to go to heaven? LOL. Best comeback ever! I’m a liberal and appreciate the fact that this is one blog where someone is not telling me how I should live my life. Heaven or no heaven there is something arrogant about people who think it’s their place to go around telling others that they should imitate how they live their lives, which in most instances are no good or just plain miserable. Misery sure loves company.

  2. says: Christian Lady For Jesus

    Ms. Akiteng, I read in your profile that you do not think people should live their lives in a religious way. This article just goes to prove that what you are teaching is from the devil. I suspect that you are a liberal and believe that people should do as they wish. Using comparison with other cultures, is another way of sanctioning sin. Those people from the cultures you quote are cursed and prove of that is how God unleashed suffering and poverty on them. Our American culture has it’s values in the Bible which you refuse to quote here. The Bible says there is only one true culture, the Christian culture. My advice is that you repent and turn away from what you are teaching and you’ll secure a place in heaven.

    1. I respect your views but you’ve made several erroneous judgements about me.

      1) That I think/Say that people should not live their lives in a religious way. You made that up and I’ll let whoever is interested in what I actually say look up my profile.

      2) That I’m a liberal. Many of my views may fit in with liberals (whatever that means) but that’s because they are MY views not liberal views. Liberal to me is a political label and like many Canadians we’re not obsessed with political affiliations, or think that ‘liberal’ is an insult.

      3) That I’m an American. I’m actually AFRICAN and not African-American — and that means I’m from another culture, other than American.

      4) That I want to go to heaven. I’m a strong believer in Jesus Christ but based on some of the words and behaviours I’ve seen from the majority of heaven-bound citizens, I don’t think I’ll like heaven at all. Hell looks like a better option. So don’t worry about me, I’m at peace… 😉

      As for the suffering and poverty in those “other” cultures… sure, they may not have a lot in terms of material stuff… but at least they’re sure of all the things they got — each other. I’ve lived both worlds, and what they have is a lot, a lot MORE…

      I still love you as a fellow human being, whether you love me or not! I believe that’s what JESUS stood for… right?

  3. says: onlylogic

    Though men have always had a worse reputation for cheating, women have always been cheating and over the past 20 years the number of women cheating has risen dramatically because of women working outside the home and also having monetary independence. The biggest difference is that women behave very differently from men when they cheat and are much better at keeping their affairs secret. Men like to brag about it and tend to take bigger risks. Women on the other had are much more careful and don’t let the affair interfere with the rest of their lives.

    1. There are plenty of things that make so much sense in your comment. I think that if we’re going to be pointing fingers that we should not assume only men cheat. There is enough cheating going around — both genders.

      Thanks for bringing a little dose of reality to the discussion.

  4. says: Issa

    “Cheating” is a problem because some people insist on treating others as private property. I could never be anyone’s “property” nor do I expect anyone to be mine.

    1. Brilliant comeback, Tracey. Whenever a guy says “men want more sex than women” I hear, “I’ve never been able to make a woman want to have sex with me all the time”… Instead of just coming out straight and admitting that they lack the “tool”, skill and drive, most men hide behind generalizations.

      From what many women say, “wanting more sex” has a lot to do with the man one has sex with. If only more men took the time to learn HOW IT’S REALLY DONE… instead of fumbling around like virgin adolescents… more women would want more sex!

  5. says: Judgement Day

    I agree with the comments that say we are not ruled by animal impulses. In those other cultures that allow men more than one wife, there is no free will or right to choose because these people are incapable of thinking for themselves. Western culture on the other hand, empower its men and women to choose which in turn enforces free will.

    1. It’s so true that most Western cultures promote greater freedoms and rights to choice. Unfortunately, freedoms do not necessarily guarantee that people choose wisely. That’s proven everyday… by men who CHOOSE to cheat.

  6. says: desperate housewife

    I totally agree with Doright. Animals have biological drives including sex drives, but what puts men above them is that they were given freewill do decide to do the right thing. Men doesnt act on impulse, like if youre starving and you see the food at the grocery, no matter how hungry you are, you have to wait in line at the grocery, pay for it, go home to eat it.Same as when youre offered a horny woman for free, you dont really grab the chance, you also think of the consequences, because you were given brains, you think of the people who will be hurt- your wife and the kids, is it worth it?

    1. Is it worth it? That’s a question for Tiger Woods to answer. From what I’ve read lately, he says his life is much better off now and he’s never been happier. May be it was worth it… who knows… and frankly, who cares?

      Reading through the comments, almost every commenter on here agrees that there is no question that Tiger hurt people close to him. But as we all know, only he and they are affected by his choices. However, some of us (especially the media and a few “no-lifers”) are acting like what Tiger did has forever changed our personal lives, when in truth, our lives have gone on as usual… at least mine has.

      As for “freewill”, isn’t it great that we were given. I hope we can keep it “free” for everyone by not dictating what’s right for someone else. Let them exercise their free will.

  7. says: Daves

    It’s arrogant to assume you can know what a stranger is or isn’t afflicted with, psychologically. We don’t know if Woods feels or felt guilty about cheating on his marriage. We don’t know if he was driven by obsession and compulsion, such as an alcoholic is driven to drink, or if he simply didn’t care about his marriage to begin with.

    All you have to base your judgement on is circumstances, you don’t know his internal reality.

    He has broken his family. Those are his consequences. Why does it matter whether he’s an addict or not?

    How is dragging his name through the mud any better than the media defending him or putting him on a pedestal?

  8. says: evaone

    I think on Tiger’s case because of his popularity it becomes sensation and talk of the town. but he’s just a human being, for sure many women who got involve with him are the one who initiated because his popularity.but im not saying that he did not commit any mistakes, what he did to his wife is a not right.

  9. says: JeanPierre

    One of the most under acknowledged problems today is the lack of sex drive in men. Tiger Woods is just the lucky exception and he gets vilified for it. What a world!

  10. says: Tola

    Hmmm – true enough, it’s an easy way out to try to cover up your own behaviour with sickness. And it seems unfair to people who are really sick because it makes definitions of addiction even more watery.
    It’s also easy to be blameless when one has no opportunity to do otherwise (I’m not saying that all people criticizing TW are like that).
    But I was wondering about the men not being monogamous. Would they be ok with their partners doing the same? Somehow I have an impression that we are more open when we do certain things than when they are done to us. I know that relationships are about what you accept. But does it mean that you give the same rights to your partner? And if not, do you really accept your own rules?

    1. Deep! Those are great questions each individual should answer for him/herself. There are men (and women) who are perfectly fine with their partners not being monogamous. I believe the bigger question is: if someone feels at peace in his/her mind, heart and life with a partner who isn’t monogamous, WHO ARE WE to tell them they should feel and want differently? To impose our beliefs and opinions over their soul’s journey and possibly cause them to be unahppy for life? May be it’s just me, but I hate to be the one that says to anyone (more especially a perfect stranger), “You can’t be happy because I say so!”. Something screams “I have nothing worthwhile going on in my life, so I’ll live yours!”

      What two people do and want in their relationship should be no one else’s business but those two — except when there is evidence that the children in such a situation are being negatively affected. The children didn’t CHOOSE to be in that relationship.

  11. says: Tracey

    Lots of women give selflessly and lots of men take selfishly. Men are supposed to be pleasing women, not the other way around. A man who doesn’t care about your needs in the bedroom will not care about your needs outside the bedroom either.

    1. I think BOTH people are supposed to please the other. Just like women are frustrated by men who care only about their needs, I don’t think a man enjoys sex with a woman who just lies there selflessly “giving” because marriage is about pleasing your mate, not yourself.

  12. says: Trevor

    Most men are satisfied with 2 to 4 sexual contacts a week. This is average. Some can do more, some way less. But I think that anyone who wants sex 3-5 times throughout the course of the day may have a chemical imbalance in the brain.

    1. I’m sure there are men who’ll say 3-5X a day is “average” and others who’ll say 2 – 4X/week is too much and a sign of a chemical imbalance in the brain.

      In my opinion, what is “normal” isn’t important (each to their own!). What’s important is that two people openly discuss sexual compatibility before committing to a marriage. Most are too desperate to get “married” that they dare not find out anything that might spoil it for them and others won’t openly talk about it until the marriage hits crisis mode. An honest conversation might have saved a sexual mismatch or saved two people from a painful divorce process.

  13. says: ExhaustedDave

    Marriage is not for everybody. 50% of first marriages in the USA end in divorce, 85% of second marriages end in divorce.

    1. Interesting stats, I had no idea it was that high for second marriages in the USA. One would think people learn the first time round/get better the second time round. Do you have any stats on how many marriages end because of infidelity/cheating?

  14. says: Evergreen63

    Yes, Tiger Woods is a sex addict. He was hurting his wife but he did not care. He only cared about his own needs. Marriage is about selfless giving not about thinking just because you want more sex you should be allowed more sex. It’s about, pleasing your mate, not yourself. A high sex drive is no excuse to run to the arms of another woman.

    1. I’m so 100% with you about Tiger Woods hurting his wife, children and very close family and friends. I also don’t think his sex drive (or whatever) should be an excuse for what he did. From what I “hear”, Tiger Woods had been seeing some of these women even before he married Elin. In my humble opinion, he shouldn’t have gotten married until he was sure he could keep the marriage vows once he made them. There is more integrity in a man who is honest enough to admit he just can’t be faithful to one woman refuses to live a lie, than one who knowingly lives a lie and hurts others by his lies. Unfortunately, in this regard, our North American society would rather have people live a lie and then get very angry (and take it very personally) when the lie is exposed.

  15. says: Du-Dinh

    I am a 50+ man. My sex drive is clinically very low. I don’t secretly wish I had Tiger Wood’s life and couldn’t really care less about anyone’s sex drive. May be if I got off the meds but I need them more than I need sex.

  16. says: Modwana

    I too don’t buy this ‘sex addict’ crap. There is big differences between “liking sex” which is normal, and “addicted to sex”, which is not. The truth is we DON’T KNOW anything for a fact. May be TW or his wife will come up with a tell-all book. They all do soon or later.

  17. says: DORIGHT

    And how do we separate religious decisions from personal decisions? Is that even possible? And why do people go to hell for adultery? I am a Christian and may be I just have higher values and morals and not in my personal nature to want more than one partner. A man that needs more than one woman has other issues and anyone who thinks infidelity is okay is cheating or has already cheated. They deserve where they’re going (to hell). Tiger should move to those countries, become a Muslim and marry four wives.

    1. Your assumption about anyone having a different point of view from yours is not only grossly biased but baseless. This is a blog where people from all cultures and beliefs are welcome. Not everyone who comes here shares your Christian beliefs and no one should be made to feel “a sinner” for sharing what’s on their mind. I do not wish to denigrate my blog to a religious mouthpiece/mono-cultural platform.

      For us to be able to have a broad minded and intelligent conversation that unifies, uplifts and enlightens, we should try to keep an open mind and not to foreclose ideas/options before they can even be shared/explored. Sometimes this calls for us to try to hold two diametrically-opposed thoughts or ideas in our heads at the same time. Only then can we truly be able to “talk with” each other and not just “talk to” each other.

      See now you got me preaching. Will somebody please take the tithes and offering… 🙂

  18. says: Buster

    You have touched on a real truth about human sexuality. Monogamy is usually a religious or cultural decision. In many other countries it is quite acceptable to have more than one partner. The divorce rate due to infidelity is very low and non-existent in some places.

    1. Of course not, and not everyone who sells drugs or kills another should automatically claim “mental illness made me do it”.

      What I asked about is who and how we determine what is an “average man” or normal sex for an average man in a consensual sex situation?

      I’ll play devil’s advocate for a sec. If you and I sit down for a meal and we’re both served each a plate of food. You eat your one plate of food and are full, can’t take any more. I eat my one plate of food but I’m not full, I want ask for more. Do you tell me it’s not okay for me to ask for more because you were filled by just one plate of food? Are we to assume that the amount of food you eat is “normal” and the standard for everyone?

      My point is: is it possible that some men (and women) are just not capable of monogamous sex? And if they know that in advance, wouldn’t it do all concerned good for the person to tell a potential mate upfront that he/she can’t be faithful and let the other person decide if knowing what they know they still want to get married (or not)?

  19. says: DORIGHT

    Tiger had more multiple sex partners than the average man. He lacked self control and was selfish by not honoring the vows he took to be faithful to his wife. The fact is that we are not completely ruled by animal impulse, we do have the ability to choose to be faithful and monogamous.

    1. This post is about lack of individual responsibility by reason of “mental illness” … and to some degree we may be saying the same thing but in different ways.

      But since you brought it up, who determines who is an “average man?” If you take any 100 men and expose them to horny women willing to have sex anyway they are asked, how many would keep their pants on? 75%, 50%, 25%? And if caught with their pants down (literally) should they just claim “it’s a disease?”

  20. says: Matt

    Count me one beyond bored. The media is pathetic. Tiger woods may be the greatest golfer that ever lived but he is also a human being with faults and weaknesses just like all of us. No one really knows what he was thinking or not thinking. Thanks for a different set of eyes on the subject.

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