Securely Attached’s Secret To Attracting Back Avoidant Exes

I’ve spoke to so many people who start the conversation with, “I’ securely attached” and what they say after that contradicts secure attachment internal working model and the way securely attached perceive, think, feel, react and respond to breakups.

One can’t really blame them, there is all kinds of information and advice on what a secure attachment looks and feels like, and sometimes it’s hard to tell what from what if you are new to attachment theory. What I’ve found to be true is that much of the descriptions of a secure attachment are biased by the internal working models of the person describing a secure attachment. For example, an anxiously attached describe a secure attachment as very close to their own way of perceiving, thinking, feeling and reacting, and avoidants do the same.

Unfortunately, we can never really hide our internal working models because internal working models are subconscious functions largely outside of conscious awareness that reveal the way we perceive, think, feel and react or respond to attachments and attachment related information.

One of the topics that brings out our on hidden internal working models is what and how we think of avoidant exes, and how we perceive, think, feel, react or respond to avoidant breakups.

In this article, I’ll attempt to explain what securely attached think of avoidant exes, and how the way securely attached think, feel and respond makes them more successful attracting back an avoidant ex they want back; emphasis on “they want back”.

While anxiously attachment styles tend to be predominantly loss-oriented and suffer from self neglect after a breakup, and avoidants tend to deny or diminish the importance of attachments and relationships, securely attached exes can recall, think about and discuss the breakups coherently, and experience the emotions of loss while (1) accepting the breakup, integrating the lost relationship into a new reality, returning to daily activities, and forming new relationships, and/or (2) maintaining a symbolic bond with an ex whom they may or may not want back.

Their positive working models of exes allow securely attached to continue to think positively about an ex, even after a breakup,, while their positive models of themselves allow them to self-care, turn to their social support for comforting and turn the attention which would have gone to their now ex to things that make them happy and fulfilled in life, and to  lessons learned from the experience.

Why is having a positive view of an ex and continuing to think positively about an ex important?

Let me start by saying, not all exes deserve a positive view and there should be no pressure for you to think positively of your ex. Every experience is different and there are some really nasty people out there that don’t deserve a positive review let alone a second look.

I also want to add that securely attached tend to have relatively healthy relationships and breakups that are either mutual or civil, which makes it easier for them to continue to think positively about an ex, which in turn confirms their positive working models of relationships and of exes.

When you have insecure attachment internal working models and have been hurt, or are in emotional pain, it’s easy to indulge in excessive negativity or blame, forget the good aspects of the relationship and miss on the lessons you need to learn not to repeat the same relationships and same experiences over and over.

We want someone to be responsible and to blame for your pain. Sometimes blame goes to an ex who ended the relationship, ended it in a hurtful and disrespectful way, or stopped loving us, and sometimes we direct blame on ourselves. What many people don’t realize is that needing to blame someone for a breakup actually makes the hurt and pain worse, prolongs grief, and prevents you from healing properly. It also has a negative effect on your future relationships, and your chances of attracting back your ex.

Can you avoid needing to blame someone for the breakup? Yes, you can. I’ll let you on a secret of how securely attached avoid blaming themselves or blaming an ex for the breakup.

Securely attached don’t see a breakup as something wrong or bad that was done to them. Playing a victim to other’s words or actions is just not part of a secure attachment style. Instead securely attached see breakups as a normal part of life, and sometimes a necessary good that might hurt in the short-term, but beneficial long-term.

In other words, when someone ends a relationship, let’s take an avoidant for example, regardless of how they do it, securely attached don’t see an avoidant as doing or having done anything to them. They see it as an avoidant choosing what is best for them. Something they would do themselves given a choice between being in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship and breaking up.

Yes, in the end you get hurt and it’s not fair, but holding on to someone who is unhappy or dissatisfied in and with the relationship and trying to make them want to be with you is like locking the doors to your own prison and complaining about the living conditions in the prison you locked yourself in, and have the key to unlock the door and get out.

Just a relationship that didn’t work out and an ex who chose what was best for them

So when securely attached think of an ex, avoidant or anxiously attached breaking up, they don’t ignore the negative experiences, they don’t dwell on the negative aspects of the relationship or breakup, and they don’t give excuses for an ex’s negative behaviours, they instead focus on the lessons learned and how the experience can inform them going forward. No blaming or resentment, just a relationship that didn’t work out and an ex who chose what was best for them.

And yes, securely attached feel sad after a breakup, but they also understand and accept that sadness is a normal response to the loss of a valued relationship. They are therefore more compassionate with themselves. They don’t try to stop their feelings or pressure themselves to move on, instead they give themselves permission to just let their emotions be while reminding themselves that the sadness will pass, and not to focus on how long before they will stop feeling sad.

This not only helps securely attached heal faster and heal completely, it also helps them, as I mentioned earlier, continue to think positively about an ex., which gives them a unique advantage when trying to get back with an avoidant ex.

A securely attached’s positive working model of exes helps them develop a positive changed relationship with an ex after the breakup. E.g. “I haven’t really lost them; we’re just not in a romantic relationship” or “We’re still in each other’s life, just in a different form”.

This way of thinking of the breakup with an ex they want back enables securely attached create a safe and secure environment for discussing and resolving relationship problems, and to lay a stronger foundation for a healthier dynamic and relationship.

To be able to think, feel and respond (not react) to attachment related situations and information lie a securely attached, you need more than learn how to self-soothe or emotionally regulate yourself, you need to completely restructure your internal working model to secure, so that in future when thing happen, you perceive them and respond from a secure attachment instead of reacting to how they trigger you and how you feel.