How Securely Attached Communicate Post Breakup

Whether they dumped you or you dumped them, securely attached welcome continued contact and communication after the breakup, as long as an ex wants it as well. But they’re also perfectly okay if their ex wants no contact or is not ready to communicate yet. If an ex asks for space or time to process the breakup, a securely attached will give them the space they need for as long as they need it, and they will even offer support o if and when an ex needs it, and be open to answering any questions about the relationship that their ex might have.

Being open to continued contact and communication after the breakup doesn’t mean that a securely attached is going to pretend like the breakup never happened. They understand that a breakup means that the relationship has changed, and the level of contact or communication will also have to change to reflect the fact that you are broken up and not a couple anymore.

This is a different from anxiously attached who when an ex is open to contact after the breakup, expect the same level of contact and engagement from an ex as before the breakup. And because anxiously attached have this deep enduring belief that others don’t want to be with them or withhold love, care and support from them, they get frustrated when an ex doesn’t respond the way they used to respond.

Securely attached are also different from avoidants who may be open to continued contact and communication after the breakup, but remain emotionally closed off. An avoidant ex will respond to texts and occasionally reach out, but share very little about their feelings or even how they’re processing the breakup.

Securely attached are open to sharing with an ex what’s going on in their lives and even open about their thoughts and feelings, but within reason. They’re not going to grief dump or emotionally unload on an ex because securely attached own up to their emotions and feelings, process them appropriately, and know when and how to use their social support system.

After a break-up a securely attached will reach out to an ex if they think the experience will be positive and healthy. They have no attachment trauma holdups and fears of being rejected or abandoned, taken for granted or lead on, overwhelmed or trapped and smothered. And unlike anxiously attached who get frustrated because doing most of the reaching out after the breakup, securely attached have no problem with being the ones reaching out to an ex, for a period of time.
They understand that it takes someone with an anxious attachment sometime to get to a place where they are emotionally regulated, can accept the breakup or accept that things have changed, and adjust to post-breakup contact and communication.

The also understand that avoidants need space and time after a breakup, but that this doesn’t always mean they want to be completely left alone. Because seeking to understand others and not assume what others need or how they feel is core to a secure attachment style, they’ll ask an avoidant what they need and how they can support them.

In a secure attachment thinking, “I’ll do the work for both of us while you take care of you, and when you’re ready, I’ll step back and let you show up for yourself”.

But make no mistake, “I’ll do the work for both of us” isn’t a blank cheque and permission for an ex to treat them any way they want. Securely attached communicate what they need and expect from post-break up contact and set boundaries to protect themselves from unintended unhealthy breakup coping behaviours. But they’re but they’re also open to compromise.

What’s important to a securely attached is that posit breakup contact or communication is safe and construction, and that you both feel good about continuing contact and communication, feel that the experience meets both of your needs, and is worth it.

If at any time contact and communication becomes disrespectful, negative or toxic, a securely attached will have no problem communicating how they feel about it, then terminating communication.