How Can I Change My Ex’s Mind?

can-i-still-change-my-exs-mindIt’s is so much easier to say, just “let things happen naturally” than actually “Let. Things. Happen. Naturally.

Even for the most laid back and most patient of us, there comes a time when you want to “hurry” things up a little.

Although still open to contact and even going out on dates, your ex doesn’t seem able to make us his/her mind. You get the feeling that he/she is struggling with whether he/should give the relationship another chance or not.

The best thing you can do in a situation like this is determine if your ex’s difficulty making up his/her mind is because he/she thinks it CAN’T work between the two of you, or if he/she simply thinks the relationship WILL NOT work.

There is a difference between “it can’t work” and “it will not work”, and this difference may well be that little thing you need for it to “click”.

1. When your ex says the relationship “will not work”, he/she is CHOOSING not to give the relationship another chance. What they are saying to you is “I could, if I wanted to, but I’m choosing not to”.

In my experience, someone will often “choose” not to give the relationship another chance because he/she is judging you based on what he/she knew about you before the break-up — behaviours, habits, preferences, interests etc. Changing “I won’t” to “I want” not only means changing the old perception your ex has of you, but also convincing your ex that there is more you bring to the relationship this time round, and that the additional value will be worth it for him/her.

2. When your ex says “it can’t work” between the two of you, he/she is saying, if he/she could, he/she would give you what you want or agree to what you want, but for reasons beyond his/her control (at the time), he/she can’t give you what you want or agree to what you want.

Quite often the reason an ex will say “it can’t work”,  is because he/she believes that you are two different people who want different things. It maybe that you are in different places in your lives, your goals have changed over time or you are not the person he/she thought you were.

It’s much harder to convince someone that you are right for him/her or that you want the same things. It takes skill, patience and good ol good luck. But it can be done by breaking down those difference to wants and needs and coming up with solutions that address those wants and needs.

It’s a bumpy ride ahead but you aren’t going to get very far getting frustrated and cutting off contact with your ex, trying to force your ex to “make up” his/her mind or fearing to say this or do that and waiting for things to happen naturally. You have to carefully move things forward to make ANY progress.

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20 Comments

  • My ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago but since then we’ve seen each other four times and been intimate twice. I would say things are good between us. He says he loves me but he’s scared of getting back together out of fear that we won’t work out. After reading your book and articles I realized that I rushed things and haven’t shown him enough how the relationship can be different. So now I’m resetting the pace and doing more to show him the changes. I hope this is the right thing to do. What do you think?

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  • We are still keeping in touch ever since and sometimes call each other endearing names we used while we were together. However he has told me a week after the split that he realized he needs to be alone and he doesn’t want to give me false hope that we will eventually be together again. It makes things even more difficult when we are both in different countries. Do you think it’s worth putting in the effort to change his mind? Thank you so much for all that you do Yangki, your work has helped me a lot in a journey of self healing and emotional growth.

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    • I am humbled by your kind words, and happy to have been of some help in your healing and growth.

      Whether it is worth putting in more effort or not is a decision only you can make. I don’t think it’s a good idea to outsource to me or anyone a decision that is about your heart and/or life because the only person who’ll have to live with the decision is YOU.

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  • Hi Yangki, thank you for site and book, Dating Your Ex. I cannot even tell you how perfect the timing was for me to discover all of it. I have been working on myself for the past 6 months. My husband and I have been separated for almost year – he’s the one who left. When I’ve previously mentioned reconciliation, his response was not seeing a future together, to then not being sure and more recently that I deserve better than to be with someone who might be bitter. His recent response has me a little puzzled, because I don’t know what to do to help him overcome bitterness towards me?

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    • You have been separated for a year, I need a little more information about your situation to be able to give the best advice. Please consider signing up for one-on-one phone coaching.

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