Reconnecting With an Anxious Ex? 5 Mind Games to Watch For

All insecure attachment styles – anxious, fearful and dismissive – either as away to test safety, get reassurance or for self protection. The games are not always about manipulation and sometimes someone doesn’t even realize they’re playing mind games.

For some, it is a habit, something they do because they’re emotional immature. I call these “silly mind games” because most of the time, they’re harmless (in moderation), just annoying and show that an ex is emotionally immature or insecure.

For others it is a response to distress. In the attachment research literature, attachment anxiety is strongly linked to reassurance-seeking under threat, and when direct reassurance doesn’t feel safe or likely, people with an anxious attachment switch to indirect “testing”, reassurance and support-seeking strategies instead.

The motivation is not necessarily to manipulate

The motivation is to make themselves feel like they are in control of a situation they have no control over. You think they’re playing mind games to manipulate you, when what is happening is that they’re triggered and reacting sub-consciously.

I call actions where the motivation is not necessarily to manipulate “silly mind games” because most of the time, they’re harmless (in moderation), just annoying and show that an ex is emotionally immature or insecure.

But even though the motivation is not to manipulate, the outcome may be the same as an action deliberately designed to advance the manipulator’s agenda.

And when you are reconnecting after a breakup, it’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between an ex just reacting to a trigger and deliberate manipulation to advance an agenda.

It doesn’t help that much of online advice treats these behaviours as normal — and even necessary for “winning an ex back”. Entire playbooks are built around creating uncertainty, withholding attention, provoking jealousy, or making an “avoidant ex” wonder whether they’ve lost you for good.

If you are an avoidant ex trying to learn healthier ways to relate, it’s easy to confuse mind games deliberately designed to manipulate you for authentic anxious attachment reactions to distress. This is why it’s important to both trust your intuition and what you know from past experience about your ex.

Here are 4 of the common behaviours to look out for that anxiously attached exes use to deliberately advance their own agenda.

1. Withholding information

They deliberately keep important thoughts, feelings, plans, or facts from you. This can include hiding that they are dating someone else, not telling you how they really feel, or being vague about their intentions.

Some of this is born from a genuine fear of losing you. They may worry that revealing too much will push you away, make them appear needy, or leave them vulnerable to rejection. Instead of risking an uncomfortable conversation, they keep their feelings and intentions hidden.

Some of it, however, is intended to maintain an advantage or create uncertainty in an attempt to make you curious and draw closer. By keeping you guessing, they hope you will invest more emotionally, pursue them, or become more interested in winning them back.

2. Withdrawing care

They pull back, become colder, less affectionate, or less supportive. This is purely manipulative behaviour. People with an anxious attachment are generally loving, caring, and supportive to a fault. So when they deliberately withdraw care, it is usually in order to make you chase them, miss them, or worry about losing them.

Instead of openly expressing their needs or frustrations, they reduce the care they normally give to try to force you to notice the change and respond. The hope is that you will become more attentive, more affectionate, or more committed out of fear of losing them.

3. Baiting/curiosity hooks

Messages that intentionally hint at something meaningful but withholds the details, hoping that you will become curious enough to ask or to initiate the conversation to find out more.

These curiosity hooks include:

• “Something happened today that made me think of you. I’ll tell you about it another time.”
• “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.”
• “I finally understand what you meant.”
• “I almost texted you yesterday.”
• “A lot has changed since we last talked.”
• “I saw something that reminded me of us.”

4. Provocation

Not all anxious exes do this, but many do. They say or do things designed to trigger an emotional reaction from you. Examples include mentioning other romantic interests to make you jealous, making passive-aggressive comments, or bringing up sensitive topics specifically to provoke a response.

The goal is to see if you still care, to regain a sense of control, or to shift the emotional balance after the breakup.

5. Sad-fishing

An anxious ex may say or do things to make you feel sorry or bad for them. The purpose is often to gain sympathy, attention, emotional support, or to make you feel responsible for their wellbeing. For example:

• Constantly sharing personal difficulties to get you to feel sympathy for them.
• Exaggerating a problem or a hard time they’re going through to get your continued support or help.
• Hinting that nobody cares about them or understands them in hopes that you will step in.
• Portraying themselves as helpless, abandoned, or a victim so that you feel guilty about pulling away or setting boundaries.

The probem isn’t often the behaviour itself, but what it is intended to do

No single incident tells you very much. But if your ex’s words or actions are consistently making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe being in contact with them or being around them, or if you feel that you are constantly being drawn into a cycle of confusion, guilt, emotional highs and lows, or endless attempts to prove yourself, ask yourself:

• Is this a one-off reaction to a stressful event, or is it a repeated pattern of behaviour?
• Do they take responsibility for their actions when called out, or do they deny, deflect, or blame you?
• Do their actions leave you constantly trying to figure out what their real motives and intentions are?
• When they get what they want, does the behaviour stop, or does a new test or crisis quickly take its place?

If this a one-off reaction to a stressful event or if they ake responsibility for their actions when called out, first try to set boundaries. As I discussed in my article on reconnection without pulling away, many anxiously attached struggle with uncertainty and sometimes thei rbehaviours reflect that, and not manipulation.

But if is it a repeated pattern of behaviour or if after setting a boundary, the behaviour continues, decide whether you want to continue contact.

It is okay to step back from interactions that leave you feeling manipulated, emotionally exhausted, or unable to trust your own judgment. This is not avoidance; this is self-protection and healthy boundary-setting.

You are not obligated to remain in contact with someone simply because their behavior comes from insecurity, trauma, or fear of abandonment. Their reasons may deserve compassion, but your wellbeing deserves protection.

RELATED:

If Your Ex Is Playing Mind Games with You: Change the Game

How to Reconnect with an Anxious Ex Without Pulling Away

Your Anxious Ex Rebounded — But That Doesn’t Mean It’s Over

10 Confusing Fearful Avoidant Ex Mixed Signals (What to Do)