Post Break Up Damage Repair – When Your Ex Hates You

Most breakups fall within three main categories with some deviations depending on the relationship dynamics, attachment styles, personality, past relationship history etc.

  1. Cordial, loving and caring mixed with sadness, nostalgia and gratefulness.
  2. “Emotional” with lots of drama, nastiness and anger.
  3. Fadeouts where there is no official breakup, you’re just indefinitely not together anymore.

But there are some breakups that start with being loving and caring mixed with sadness, but as time goes on, things become nasty and ugly to a point that there is more damage to the relationship post-breakup than pre-breakup or during the actual breakup.

In my experience these are the most difficult type of breakups to try to get back together. Sometimes the post-breakup damage is so bad that hard at it may be to accept, cutting off all contact and going your separate ways is the only option left.

How do you know a relationship is irreparably damaged post break-up?

1. Your ex sees and treats you like an “enemy” or “evil” person and reacts to everything you say and do with suspicion.

2. Anything that was good or positive about the relationship pails in contrast to all the bad and negative things that have happened post break-up.

3. Criticism, suspicion, resentment, put downs, mind games, power struggles, threats, drama/conflict, hostility, distrust, misunderstanding (and in some instances abuse) is the “normal” and only mode of interaction between the two of you.

4. Hearing that the other is suffering, sad or unhappy is good news.

5. Something good happens to either of you and the other somehow feels like it’s not fair.

6. Distrust and mistrust runs so deep that neither of you can’t trust the other to act in your best interest or do what’s right by you.

Under these conditions, re-establishing a “normal” relationship is not only very difficult but close to impossible. The longer the destructive dynamics goes on post breakup the worse the relationship gets, and the harder it will be to rebuild any kind of “healthy” relationship.

Occasionally, a seemingly damaged-beyond-repair relationship gets another chance, but only if and when:

  1. The destructive dynamics is stopped
  2. Both parties take time to heal and grow before attempting a reconciliation
  3. A collaborative reconciliation strategy is used to resolve the issues that create the destructive dynamic
  4. Trust us re-established

Starting with being friends and cultivating good feelings before trying to get back together is critical in these types of relationships. But first you need some time apart to process what happened to a breakup that started as loving and caring and ended in resentment and anger and even hate.

How much time you spend apart depends on how bad things got, your ex’s attachment style and/or their willingness to try to repair the post breakup damage. If your ex says they don’t want to talk about things or wants no communication, respect what they need. Don’t t try damage control or try to fix things, and don’t get triggered and ignore their text.

Your ex could have just as easily ignored you or blocked you, but if they took the time and effort to communicate their need for time and space or set a boundary, the secure thing to do is respond in kind.
Acknowledge their text and tell them you will respect their wishes not to be contacted but hope that some day, you can re-establish contact even as friends because despite everything, they’re a good person you’d want in your life in any capacity.

The point for this is to show good-will and leave things on a positive note for reaching out at a later time.

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41 replies on “Post Break Up Damage Repair – When Your Ex Hates You”
  1. says: quentiscent

    What if he does not show you love and never tells you he loves you? He spends more time with his friends and says you are needy when you tell him you are not happy with the way he is treating you? What is one supposed to do, just accept the behaviour and suffer quietly?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You don’t have to accept behaviour that you do not like, but nor can you change someone else to fit what you are looking for in a partner. If you want to be with him, you will have to learn to accept him as he is, and find ways to work on the relationship together.

  2. says: Olia

    What does it mean if you are still friends with an ex, maintain regular contact and he is very interested in my new love prospects, is always asking for details about anyone new that I’m dating and how serious it is, yet he never makes an explicit move to get me back? is just simple curiosity or does he still have feelings for me? If so, how do I get him to make a move and admit his feelings? Thanks!

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Both it seems. But it could also just be curiosity, some exes are like that, especially if they are possessive or insecure.

      Try making the first move… he may be thinking the same thing as you are, and until some-one makes the first move, nothing happens.

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