Payback – Getting Even With An Ex (Should You?)

Question: “I really enjoy reading your advice so what I’m about to say does not in anyway take away from the love and hard work you put in your site. My only complaint with your site is that it does not address someone you love betraying you in the worst possible way and you are so affected by what they did that continuing contact and acting like everything is ok is giving them permission to do it to someone else. I gave my ex so many chances and he betrayed me again. And again. And again. Why is it wrong to turn the tables on them and make them feel the pain they cause to others? If they are not stopped, the behavior will continue. I’d like to see some articles on this site that talk about how to get even with an ex who has no regard for how they hurt you. I hope you publish this question on your site. Thank you for reading and responding, 🙂

Yangki’s Answer: I didn’t want to publish your question on my site for reasons I’ll give below, but I did because I am scared of you coming after me to get even… 🙂

You don’t see “revenge” or “retribution” articles on my site, not because I don’t recognize and acknowledge that there are people who have no regard for how they hurt others, or that there are people like you who feel that continuing contact feels like giving your ex permission to hurt you again.

I don’t write about “revenge” or “retribution” because on a personal level, it’s not something I am wired towards and feel very uncomfortable even thinking about, let alone encouraging others to think about it or seek it. There are people who know more about revenge and getting even that I do and more qualified to write about it.

But more importantly, this site is specifically for people who still love their ex and want to get back together (or at least try).

You can’t be trying to get back with someone and trying to get even at the same time. Reconciliation and retaliation are two opposing energies driven by opposing motivations. One seeks understanding, compromise and a positive resolution and the other seeks self-preservation (save face, have the last say or right a (real or perceived) wrong with another wrong). One is driven by love and the other is driven by the ego (self-preservation).

There is a saying” Revenge is like grabbing a hot coal to throw it at someone else”. You definitely will get hurt but the hot coal may:

  1. not reach the other person;
  2. reach them but bounce off ;
  3. burn them but it won’t be as nearly as bad as it burned you.

Revenge, getting even or turning the tables on an ex may be the ultimate emotional release, but it doesn’t take away the hurt or pain one feels. In many cases it delays healing and sometimes blocks it altogether.

Once you open that door, it’s hard to shut it again. I know men and women who were loving, emotionally open and caring but turned cold, vindictive and unable to love or trust again because they entertained revenge and getting even for so long and some acted on it hoping that it would make them feel better. It did make them feel better but it also took away something good and beautiful.

Again, it’s not my place (or anyone’s for that matter) to tell you how you should feel or tell you that you should contact your ex if you do not want to. You have every right to feel the way you feel and to seek revenge if that’s what will give you comfort.

My goal here is to provide advice for those want to contact their ex but don’t know how to and want to get back together with their ex and need guidance. That, I know a lot about and are qualified to write about.

If you want to talk about how you feel about the chances you gave your ex and he betrayed you over and over, I am here to listen and help as best as I can. Just keep in mind that revenge or getting even will not be part of our conversation…

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