Your Ex Says You’re Selfish But Are You Really Selfish?

Many study indicate that individuals with fearful and preoccupied styles of attachment have the lowest self-esteem of the attachment style groups. The same studies also draw a direct correlation between:

1) low self-esteem and negative romantic experiences,

2) negative romantic experiences and rejection sensitivity (and/or social exclusion (real or perceived) and

3) rejection sensitivity and worry.

In simple speak, if you have a fearful or preoccupied attachment style, chances are you also have low-self esteem which has contributed to many of your negative romantic experiences. Fear of these negative romantic experiences repeating themselves cause you to worry (too much) about losing someone you love, and that worrying has made you rejection sensitive.

Let me walk that backwards. Because you have a fearful or preoccupied attachment style, you anxiously anticipate rejection (preoccupied) and doubt your ability to keep the interest of someone you love (fearful). This causes you to worry too much about losing them and consequently say things and act in ways (needy and /or clingy) that end up creating negative experiences. Consciously or sub-consciously you know that your fear and worry about losing someone you love creates these negative experiences and that makes you not feel too good about yourself (negative self-view or low-self esteem).

Just think about that for a moment. Really, think about it. It all makes sense.

You want your ex back, but the (negative self-view) voice inside of you keeps telling you that despite everything you say or do, your ex is not going to take you back, is going to find someone new, is leading you on, taking advantage of you, thinks you’ll always be there because you are in contact, is having their cake and eating it too– all the negative stuff that say that you do not trust your ex and you do not trust yourself.

You come to my site which is based on secure attachment style and you find a different view of exes and of relationships. You read advice and feel positive and encouraged to try because that part of you that longs for love and companionship (attachment) wants to give love a chance.

You apply everything you read but deep inside you worry about every word and every action (preoccupied) and/or are too scared to say or do the “wrong” thing (fearful). What ends up happening is that for some time you are able to follow the advice, and even begin to see some small progress but then that (negative self-view) voice takes over.

Your ex doesn’t respond or takes longer than usual to respond and “[OMG!] It must be something I said or did”. Your ex seems cold and distant and it’s, “[OMG, OMG!] I pushed him/her away”.

It’s not that you are selfish- SELF-ish…

It’s that you make everything your ex feels or does about you. You don’t for one moment think that maybe your ex is having a bad day. Maybe something happened that you don’t know about. Maybe they are too busy. Maybe it’s not about YOU.

You automatically think you did something to create the negative experience because that’s what your past experiences have been. You love someone, they love you back, then you begin to worry and act needy and clingy (preoccupied) or act hesitant and distant (fearful), and they leave.

In your anxious anticipation of rejection and/or doubt about your ability to attract back your ex, you make it all about you. Your low self-esteem tells you it was going to happen soon or later.

But that’s not even the worst part…

That voice inside of you tells you that you messed up and you need to fix things – and fix it now. So you text or send your ex an email:

  • Are we OK? (I’m not okay)
  • Is everything alright? (I think I upset you/pushed you away)
  • I am sorry (I don’t want to lose you)
  • Why aren’t you responding? (I’m scared I’ve lost you)
  • Why are you doing this to me (What am I going to do without you?)

You go through all these range of (me, me, me) emotions, just because your ex didn’t respond, took longer than usual to respond, seems cold or distant.

It’s not that you are selfish- SELF-ish…

It’s that you make everything your ex feels or does about you. You don’t for one moment think, maybe something more urgent or important came up. Maybe they haven’t seen my text. Maybe they don’t think my text needs a response. Maybe they just don’t feel like responding.

In your pre-occupied attachment thinking…

Your ex is the center of your world, you must also be the center of their life (or at least should be). Because you are thinking about your ex ALL the time, they must also be thinking about you all the time (or at least they should be) and because not getting a respond from your ex makes you feel ignored, not responding to your ex must make them feel ignored too.

So you respond to even texts that don’t need a response. You write essays in response to a question that required “yes or no” answer. You send multiple texts because you needed to ‘correct’ what you said or explain what you meant.

In your fearful (anxious-avoidant) thinking…

Every thing you say or do means something to your ex, therefore every word your ex says and every move they make means something. You must therefore pay close attention to every word and every action including the timing of your exes responses because how they about you depends on how quickly or slowly they respond. And your ex is watching how quickly you respond to their texts too.

If you don’t respond in a timely manner, they will punish you by acting cold and distant or by pulling away. How do you know that? Because this is how you would act if someone acted cold and distant towards you, or pulled away.

This has been your past experiences have been. You do something “wrong”, you get punished with withholding love and affection (acting cold and distant) or by pulling away

It’s not that you are selfish- SELF-ish…

It’s that when you have a preoccupied or fearful attachment style you always worry about being rejected or abandoned. Everything feels like rejection, feels personal. When everything feels personal, you act as if everything is personal (about you) because as far as you’re concerned, it’s about you.

If your ex is responsive, engaged, loving and caring, it’s because you are being a good. If they are cold, distant, ‘unloving’, ‘uncaring’ and  unresponsive (giving you the silent treatment), it’s because you messed up or did something wrong. I this and I that.

Just think about that for a moment. Really, think about it. It all makes sense. Doesn’t it?

The question is: What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to keep making it feel like everything your ex or says is all about you? Are you going to let your ex keep thinking you are selfish when you are just someone who loves and cares deeply and genuinely, but (sadly) always somehow manages to make it all about you.

More from Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng
Extroverts And Introverts Brains Wired Differently?
Though I consider myself a little bit of both an introvert and...
Read More
0 replies on “Your Ex Says You’re Selfish But Are You Really Selfish?”