OMG! Read This If Your Ex Hasn’t Contacted You (Is It Over?!)

Has it been 3 days since your ex contacted you? That’s not good. This means it’s over for good. I don’t think they will ever contact you again. They has moved on. Maybe they’re playing hard to get. Nah, they met someone else and are ignoring you. I don’t think thy even loved you at all. All this time they have been playing you. How could you have been such a fool?

Sounds familiar?

If it does, that’s because this is how attachment anxiety and out of control emotions look like. You are experiencing emotional overload because the attachment system has been activated.

A day goes by and your ex hasn’t contacted you, you begin to wonder what is happening. One more day and you are really worried. Day three, your ex still hasn’t contacted you, now you are in panic mode. Help! The sky is falling.

Then you get a text or a call back, and O.M.G! All is well in the world again

Why does your ex do this to you? Why do they make you wait for them to contact you?

I hate to be the one to tell you this. Your ex is not the one making you panic, worry and overthink. It’s all YOU. You are doing this to yourself.

I can already hear angry growls. How can you even say that? There she goes again, blaming the victim, and excusing the behaviour of the insensitive and abusive.

I agree that some people are insensitive, but what are you going to do about it? Teach them to be sensitive? I also agree that there are men and women who are abusive. But this is not about abuse. Sorry, people who call abuse on everything, not every unpleasant situation is emotional abuse.

Why does the fact that your ex hasn’t contacted you when you expect them to, worry and upset you so much?

Because it triggers feelings of  rejection, abandonment, loneliness, disrespect, etc

Individuals with anxious attachment have a strong need for contact and closeness and high sensitivity to rejection; and there’s nothing wrong with needing contact and closeness. But when you add a high sensitivity to rejection, 3 days without contact from your ex, let alone 3 minutes feels like rejection.

Many of us when we feel worried or upset about what we think someone else is doing to us do not look within. Some of us are not even sincere with how we truly feel. On the surface we’re like, “I’m okay with it”, “Well, I can’t control what others do” or “I expected it.” etc., but inside, our thoughts are running a million words per minute. You are thinking all kinds of thoughts and imagining all kinds of scenarios, including the possibility that your ex is dead, and that’s why they haven’t responded.

If you find yourself in panic or on the verge of a meltdown because your ex hasn’t contacted you at the time you expected, the first place you should go to is inside.

It’s true what they say, “You can’t change that which you don’t acknowledge”

Looking within and being really honest with ourselves about how we truly feel is the first step to emotional self-control. The first step to reclaiming your power over how other people’s actions affect you. The first step to stopping yourself from acting on overwhelming emotions. The first step to not being needy and clingy.

Going there — inside — is not always easy because sub-consciously, we know that there is a lot of “stuff” in there that we’ve denied and suppressed for so long. We’ll do anything — deny, lie and act like everything is fine — than have to deal with our “stuff”.

Some of us make a phony attempt to “work on ourselves”. We learn all the right words, and talk the talk of someone who has “worked on” themselves, but once triggered, react in the same old ways.

You can’t let someone else’s words and actions affect you so much that become needy and clingy

Until you are really able to honestly look inside and admit to the truth of what is happening, others’ words or actions will always send you in a panic, cause you to think the worst, to over analyze your ex’s every word or action, to worry unnecessarily, to live in denial or delusion, to see what’s not there and hear what you want to hear. You’ll have a hard time trusting your intuition or staying emotionally grounded without external input (always asking other’s “what do I do?”)

The worst part of all this is that refusing to honestly look inside and be honest with yourself about what is happening has consequences, not only to yourself but on your relationships as well.

I’ve seen men and women lose someone they love because they were not honest with themselves. I’ve also seen people fail to get their ex back not because their ex didn’t want them back but because of their panicky words and actions. Talk about self-sabotage.

RELATED:

Attract Back An Avoidant Ex Pt. 7 – An Avoidant Isn’t Texting Back

7 Instances When You Should Respond To Your Ex Quickly – Don’t Wait!

 

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18 Comments

  1. says: Narson

    Yangki, I agree with your take on no contact. I am a Psyc. major and doing research on resilience, disengagement strategies and post-breakup emotional adjustment. Do you have articles specifically on secure attachment and anxious or avoidant styles?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      No, I do not have articles that focus specifically on attachment styles in relation to post-breakups. My upcoming book about dealing with break-up distress covers post break-up emotional resilience and adjustment quite extensively. The book will be available to the market February 14, 2017 (fingers crossed). For now, what you find here is all I have.

  2. says: David

    Yangki, I understand that by contacting it will triggers “various bad feeling” like you mentioned above. Does it mean even time won’t help? I mean NC, even though we’ve changed, we’ve done self-reflect, and solved all of that bad things on the inside like you mentioned on you article.

    Because I’m kind of confused right now… lol
    Good article as always 😀

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I understand coming from NC mindset this article (and everything on this site) will be very confusing. Unfortunately, I am not of much help with your NC question because I don’t think anyone [mature person] wanting their ex back should be doing it in the first place. Please read my article:

      Is It Wrong To Do No Contact?

      In your another question you said “4 months since our breakup she’s not contacting me even once, so I do NC (25 days today) as the last resort to get her back, is it wrong for me to do NC?”

      What’s the point of doing NC? She’s moved on. She probably moved on a long time ago. This is exactly why I say 95% of people doing NC are in denial… having a hard time accepting it’s over.

  3. says: Sam

    Yangki, I’m just curious as to what your alternative to “no contact” is. You say “no contact” is abusive, manipulative and immature, but you don’t say what rules one should follow instead. This is no way an attack on your advice, just a question from a curious reader. I hope you can respond.

    1. Don’t worry. I don’t see it as an attack on me. I see a curious reader… 🙂

      First of all, I don’t believe relationships or love for that matter works with “rules” So yes, I don’t have any “rules’, just advice. Secondly this whole site is THE alternative to “no contact”. I started the site for people who don’t agree with “no contact” and yet don’t know how else to get their ex back. So feel free to explore… THE alternative to “no contact”.

      1. says: Raheil

        My ex is my best friend and I want her back so bad, but she hasn’t contacted me since break up. Is it possible to get her ex back?

  4. says: German

    Yangki, you have sound advice and are so generous giving it freely. I had began NC and came upon your blog, so I sent my ex a text asking her if shes well. After 2 hours she responded, “yes, why?”, I replied that I just wanted to be sure shes doing well. I haven’t heard back from her. What do I do now?

    1. I’m not surprised she did not respond. There was nothing to respond to. That conversation ran it’s course.

      If you want things to pick up, you have to make contact. She’s not going to initiate contact in the initial stages because she’s not the one trying to get you back.

      Reach out to her again. If you need help with what to say, I’m happy to work with you one-on-one (phone coaching). I need to learn more about your relationship and who your ex is to be able to help you communicate more effectively.

  5. says: Kenzo

    From experience, ‘move on’ advice conflicting against [denial of] ‘needy/clingy behaviour’ feels like THE worst feeling ever. I can’t believe how I’ve lived with it for 3 years.

  6. says: Tabitha

    I know that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. I keep going from creating problems that aren’t there to wanting to walk away from it all. It’s like self fulfilling prophesy. I’m trying to get back with him right now but I keep freaking out when he does not respond.

  7. says: falcondancer

    I am just now realizing I do this, especially with my ex. We recently decided that we want to try to be friends again, but the moment he had to cancel plans I immediately got panicky and tried to force my way into his space. I don’t think he will not like me anymore because of this, but it certainly doesn’t help me. I don’t want to be this way anymore. I don’t want to feel like my happiness is dependent on what other people do or don’t do. I don’t want to feel alone when I am the only one around. These posts are helping me; I just need to learn how to make them everyday habits.

  8. says: Kelly

    One thing I’ve taken from reading your posts over the last few weeks is that ultimately I AM responsible for my own happiness, and my happiness should not be dictated by his actions. One of the big factors in our breakup was that he felt that he was expected to make me happy. I’m making an effort now to have my own interests and spend more ‘me’ time rather than wanting to be with him all the time.

  9. says: Luigi

    I’m doing your neediness course and although I’m only in week 4, I think that I’m finally beginning to get a handle on my neediness. I admit I acted too needy and clingy immediately after the breakup and when it didn’t work, I did no contact for 5 weeks. I didn’t want to appear weak and thought no contact would be best. Then I came across your blog and it was like a light bulb went on inside me. It was liberating to know that I don’t have to feel like I have to be strong all the time. That it was okay to be vulnerable, get scared, feel insecure and even fall apart. Not only can I feel when something inside of me demands for my ex to fill the space, I’m making my wants and needs known without fear of pushing my ex away. I’ve taken chances that a few weeks ago would have paralyzed me. I just wanted to say thank you so much for making it all possible.

  10. says: Josh

    I most recently realized that I crave more contact when I think that I’ve said or done something to upset my ex. When I hear back from her, I immediately feel better.

  11. says: newbeginnings

    That’s exactly what’s been going on with me. I’m having a hard time understanding the reasons behind it, as I’m sure I was never this insecure before… The worst part of it is I manage to have some great conversations with my ex, deep emotional connection and then I second guess everything, think he’s just saying what I want to hear. I’m not sure how to break this circle. I have bought your book and it has helped me a lot, mainly deciding I wanted to keep him in my life, so I thank you for that !

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