Question: Yangki, I need your help. My ex broke up with me after 5 years together. Her reason was that we are growing apart because I’m not as driven as she is. I earn a good living, but I can certainly do better. I just haven’t been motivated to do more. I have talked to friends about it and they all say she’s not worth it. My family and close friends don’t understand why I still want to work things out. Her family on the other hand likes me a lot. I got a long great with them and they have told me they hope that we can make it work but it is entirely up to us. They do not want to meddle.
We maintained contact after the breakup and talk on the phone for hours and hours. Sometimes it feels like we are not broken up but we don’t see each other. We used to spend every weekend together and saw each other 1- 2 times during week days. Not being able to spend time together make the breakup real. I am also worried that she will meet someone and move on. My question is: Do you think that we can overcome this and how?
Yangki’s Answer: I’m sure your friends and family care about you and mean well. They probably think you are blinded by love and they helping you not make a mistake you will regret.
If they have “a good reason” for hating her, then you need to really think through why they hate her. Sometimes other people outside of the relationship can see things that you can’t when you are in love.
If they hate her because of the break-up and the things you’ve told them about her, then you need to be honest with yourself and accept that the only reason they hate her is because you made them hate her. Most family and friends when they see that you’ve worked through your issues, and they get to know her for who she is and not from what you’ve told them about her, will come around. Some may not, and you may just have to let it be.
All that said, this about you and her. Contrary to what we are told about relationships when growing up, love is not enough. Someone can love you so much but if as in your case she doesn’t think you are as driven as she is, it doesn’t matter how much she loves you, she won’t want to be with you.
She wants someone who is driven. It’ll be selfish to try to convince her that she shouldn’t want what she wants.
If you want her back, you have to show her that you are driven to succeed too. It’s usually not a good idea to change for someone else, but you admit yourself that you can do better. So it’s not like you are happy with the way things are and she’s making you change, instead she is the motivation for you to do something to get to where you want to be.
If she still has strong feeling a for you, she’ll hold off getting into a relationship for sometime to give you the opportunity to show her you are motivated. After that, she’ll find someone else she feels is as driven as she is.
