Fearful Avoidant Ex Will Not Give Me Closure – How Do I Move On?

Question: Me and my ex boyfriend of 2 years are both fearful avoidants. He leans avoidant and I lean anxious. For the first year everything was great. We spent plenty of time together and were happy together. A year in he started getting very moody and said he though he was depressed. The he started ignoring me, getting upset with me for no reason and wouldn’t talk to me. Being a fearful avoidant myself, I reacted with distancing behaviors and would not respond when he tried to reach out. A few times he asked to hang out but I was so upset with how he had treated me and told him I was going out with my friends. Two months ago he told me he wanted to breakup because he didn’t love me anymore. I was completely devastated and asked him why. He told me he didn’t know, all he knew is that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.

I called and texted him for days crying, then went no contact for 6 weeks to try to get over him and move on but I can’t. He always said I was the best thing in his life and he wanted to be with me for ever. We were going to get married. I don’t understand what happened. I sent him a long email telling him I can’t move on because I still don’t know why we broke up. He responded telling me to move on because he has a new girlfriend and their relationship is serious.

I understand that he has moved on, but I still don’t know what I did wrong. I have turned to support forums and some days I feel optimistic but most days I feel like I will not move on until I know what went wrong. I’m not sure if I can ever be happy again. He has complete hold over my heart, why won’t he help me move on? Why is he being so cold-hearted?

Yangki’s Answer: I’m sorry that you’re experiencing so much pain. However, I think that expecting your ex to help you get through a break-up is unrealistic. Yes, there are some exes who feel bad about dumping you and try to help you through the healing process, but most don’t. And as hard as the truth may be to accept, he doesn’t owe it to you to hold your hand through your grief.

No doubt about it, knowing why the relationship ended would make moving a lot a little easier, but since you don’t have that option, you have to accept that you may never know why the relationship ended. Be grateful for the experience and tell yourself the memories of what you had together will remain with you forever, but right now the most important person you should be thinking about is YOU.

Yes, it’s hard but you have to for your own sake. Start giving yourself the attention you’re giving to him. Do things that make you happy – go out with friends, sign up for a self-advancement class, try new adventures, etc. Don’t feel guilty when you feel deep sadness and cry. Crying is apart of the healing process. Let the tears flow, then gather yourself up and keep moving forward.

So many people have done it before and many more are doing it everyday, you too can do it.

RELATED: Break-Up Closure – A Good, Good Bye (Attachment Styles And Closure)

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  1. says: Miriam

    My ex and I just recently broke up. We are not on speaking terms. Id like for us to one day get past all the drama and be civil to each other. We have always been able to talk but this time things ended very badly. Im not entirely sure if I can do anything to get him back.

    1. May be there is something you can do, or may be not. Without details of your relationship, I can’t give much insight into your situation. What I do however know is that, how you are thinking going into trying to re-establish communication or even trying to get him back matters — a lot!

      Since this looks like an on-and-off again relationship, I suggest not using the same approach you’ve used before, whatever that is. It worked up to a certain point. You need to do things differently to get a different result.