Question: My ex is what you describe in as fearful-avoidant type and I regret doing no contact but I did it for 40 days after which I reached out. He responded two days later and we texted non-stop for 2 days, which felt really good because he acted like he missed me. But since then, he’s been responding after a day or two and is distant. I feel like he’s pulling away again. This has been the pattern in our relationship. He pulls away I don’t contact him for 2 weeks and when I reach out he acts like he misses me then he pulls away again. I don’t know what to do as I don’t want no contact to be the way to make him miss me. As you said it’s unsustainable and it’s not something you can do when you are a married couple. Any insight as to what is going on? Thank you.
Yangki’s Answer: I am a strong believer in: it’s better for someone to want you because they can’t have enough of you than to want you because they’re afraid to lose you. One is driven by ‘want’ and the other by ‘fear’.
That said, it’s normal after ‘no contact’ to have accelerated contact. Just like anything else in life, if you deprive them of it for sometime and suddenly re-introduce it back, they will likely respond in three ways.
- Not want it anymore because they’re used to not having it;
- Approach it very cautiously (just in case its taken away again), or
- Binge on it to satisfy their craving and then not want it as much (or at all).
That’s why you shouldn’t do ‘no contact’ and why it’s important not to get “too excited” when an ex responds. They may have missed you and now that you are back to contact, don’t miss you as much.
Try to keep the lines of communication open, and slowly ease back into him getting used to having you around before you make any major moves.
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