My Ex Wants To Meet, Is It Too Soon? (What Do They Want?)

Question: I’ve been a silent reader of your blog for couple of months and have re-read many of your articles multiple times. My story is long, but I’ll try to make it short. I initiated the breakup with my fearful avoidant ex 6 months ago. I did no contact for only 3 days but then ended up responding because he kept reaching out. It made no sense because after reflection I could see how the breakup was mostly my fault. I became too needy and clingy and pushed him away. In the last few weeks, I noticed he’s been pulling away. It’s making me anxious, so much that today I picked the courage to ask him for coffee. He agreed right away when he gets back in town on Friday. I’m now worried that maybe I moved too fast and should have waited until he leaned back into connection to ask him out. I’m also worried that he agreed to meet so he can tell me he doesn’t have feelings for me and I should just move on. I know you said in your articles that fearful avoidants cancel on meeting up, and after they say yes, they can become elusive and lean more avoidant. In your experience is it common for a fearful avoidant to say yes the first time you ask? What you as them to meet too soon, will it push them away permanently?

Yangki’s Answer: It’s true that if you ask an avoidant to meet too soon or while they’re deactivated, it can push them further away, sometimes permanently. It would have been better to wait until he was leaning back in to ask, but what is done is done. Worrying about it won’t change anything.

What’s important is that you had the courage to ask him out and he agreed, and this could actually be a good sign especially if he shows up on Friday. There’s a high chance that because he’s a fearful avoidant he didn’t ask you to meet out of fer of appearing to be more interested or invested than you are. You asking him, gave him a way out.

Instead of worrying about what you can’t undo or what your ex wants, focus more on what you can do to make the best of this opportunity.

Most exes dread the first face-to-face meeting, earful avoidant more than the other attachment styles because of their worry that they will not know what to say or how to act. They also don’t know what to expect, and most think you are going to ask them to get back together and are ready with a response. Take the pressure off by keeping things on the light and fun side.

That means no talk about getting back together, and do not talk about the old relationship. Your only objective at this point should be to make this meeting as relaxed and fun as possible, so that he wants to see you again.

If you do the first face-to-face meeting right, things will pick up rapidly. He will see that there is nothing to be afraid of, become more engaged and will accept more meetups or dates.

If instead of having a relaxed time he feels pressured to get back together or commit to getting back together, you’ll see him pull away. He will respond to texts less, respond in short polite answers – and will turn down any requests to meet up.