Question: I need help ASAP. I am in a situation where my ex wants to have sex with me but also wants us to date other people. Is this good or bad, and what do I do?
A little bit about us. We have been together on and off for 3 years, we are currently off again. She knows I want her back but she says that she wants me to move on. We have sex 1 -2 times a week but every time we have sex she tells me that we should date other people. She thinks that if we start dating other people we will not want to have sex with each other. But in the same breath she says “I don’t know if I can handle you having sex with another woman”.
The reason we broke up this last time is because I had sex with another woman when we were off. I was honest with her when she asked after we got back together. She accused me of cheating and broke up with me again. I don’t want to jeopardize my chances of getting her back by doing the same thing that made her break up with me. But I also do not want to come across as desperate and clingy, and as you said in your eBook, it’s a turn off to look like my life depends on her.
I like having sex with her and my ex wants to have sex with me’ it’s dating other people that concerns me.
One last thing, my ex also says I want her for sex only. I’ve told her it’s not true but she keeps saying it every time we have sex. Btw, we’re both in our early 30s. Please help.
Yangki’s Answer: First up, if you want to have sex and your ex wants to have sex with you, it does not automatically hurt your chances of getting back together.
Secondly, I do not believe for one second that your ex is serious about wanting you to move on; let alone date other women. I think she’s just testing you because part of her does not trust you after what happened. And you’re 100% right that taking her “advice” and dating someone else will jeopardize your chances of getting her back. You’ll just prove to her that you can NEVER be trusted.
Instead of getting all distracted by what your ex is saying or even completely ignoring the obvious contradiction, take the “contradiction” from her and turn it into a positive.
Next time she tells you to “date other women”, try any one of the following:
1. Tell her that you’ll think about it then quickly redirect the attention back to the two of you and to the present moment with something to the effect “We are having so much fun right now, other women will have to wait”.
2. You can also respond with humour but only if you are comfortable with it. Say something like, “Do you have anyone in mind? You’ve always had great taste on just about everything. A little help has never hurt anyone”.
As for her saying your ex saying you only want her for sex, I don’t think she believes that either. You have been on-and-off for 3years, by now she knows you want her back, and it’s not just about sex. And it’s not like she’s being forced, is she? (okay, skip that part… ).
It’s possible that your ex says you want her for sex only because she’s feeling guilty for having sex with you. There my be a part of her telling her that she shouldn’t be having sex with you. At some point that guilt will become so strong that she’ll decide that it’s best not see each other at all; because when you see each other and have sex, she feels guilty. To get rid of the guilt is to get rid of you.
Instead of going into “defensive mode” which makes you come across as emotionally removed from what you are saying — and harder to be believed, use this opportunity to say something emotionally honest and heartfelt. Something along these lines:
“I wish I could sit here and with all honesty say that I don’t get turned on just looking at you, but I can’t. I would be lying to you and to myself. But is that all I see when I look at you? NO. I see a very intelligent, independent, loving kind (add in your own words here). I am attracted to all that woman… the whole package. That’s who I see. And I have a feeling there is even more that I haven’t yet seen that I’ll fall in love with. You probably don’t want to hear that, but there it is”.
That’ll sure shut her up on that subject. It might even be the kind of re-assurance she’s looking for.
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Hi, I’m the guy that submitted this question. I came back here to say you’re a genius. I did what you adviced and lo and behold! I don’t know if this means we’re on again, but she did say she worries that if we stay apart too long she’ll be replaced. She likes the idea of not having sex again until we’re back together. I have a good feeling about this. Will keep you updated. thnxs.
I have a good feeling about it too for two reasons 1) she worries that staying apart too long will jeopardize the chances of the two of you getting back together. That says to me she is thinking that it’s better to do it now than later; and 2) she agreed to postpone sex until you’re back together. Key word “back together”. That said, don’t rush anything to try to speed up the process. Keep me updated.