My Ex Wants To Be Single – Does Not Want To Be In A Relationship

Question: In your eBook you said to wait until things have warmed up with an ex before bringing up getting back together. However, in the past few weeks, before I bought your eBook, I asked my ex to get back together and she said she’s not ready for a relationship. She wants to be single and date for a while. I told her neither was I since I still had a lot of work to do on myself. Now I know I should not have said I was not ready to get back together after asking her to get back together.  Fortunately, she’s still responding positively to all my contacts, thanks to your eBook. I’m thinking of just being truthful and tell her I want her back but that didn’t work well the first time. Should I tell her “I want us to have a fresh start?” What do you think?

Yangki’s Answer: It’d be nice to just say you want her back, but at this stage in the process it might just alienate her further since she’s said she’s not in a position to get back into the relationship.

She has to believe that things will be better. This is what your contacts need to be about. Whenever you can, steer the conversation towards a different and better future. You don’t have to directly include your ex in that future, instead show her how you’ve changed by not repeating the behaviours that caused problems (and the break-up) and by being better as a person and as a partner. If she doesn’t see herself in a better relationship, she won’t want what you’re offering.

As you can see it doesn’t happen over night, the point is to recognize what needs to be done, to start doing it and keep doing it until you start to see results. If you handle this right, it won’t be long before you see changes in your ex’s attitude towards you.

A word of caution here for others reading this response. I don’t want to sugar coat this and make it look like it’ll work for everybody. Your ex has to want to communicate with you in the first place – even if he or she is not sure or ready to get back with you, right away. Just willingness to communicate is all the opportunity you need to start warming things up.

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    • I agree with you that hardest part of this process is not knowing what the other is thinking. It’s even harder when you can’t make up your mind as to what you really want to do – move on or try to get your ex back. You can’t have it both ways. The more energy and time you spend moving back and forth, the less energy and time you have to focus on either one. That’s when you feel really stuck.

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  • She tried to talk me out of it saying she did not want us to become strangers but I went ahead with n/c anyway. Ever since, she has been ice cold and indifferent. I’ve reached out to her with letters or email about once every couple weeks, which seems to make her even angrier. Yesterday she sent me an email saying she just wants me to leave her alone. In hindsight, I wish I had never did n/c. My little boy reaction of fear of rejection seems to have created the reality. At this point, I’ve lost all hope of ever getting her back. I don’t think anything will change her mind.

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    • Given that she asked you not to cut off all contact after the break up and you did it anyway, I’m sure she feels her indifference is justified.

      My advice for you is to step back, just stop trying to get her back, but don’t close the door behind you either. Don’t say, I’m moving on or something to that effect. Just go on living your life and not try to pursue her or expect her to pursue you. This alone will not change her mind but it will at least show that you respect her wish to leave her alone.

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  • Thank you for this amazing site. I agree with Yangki that no contact has been misused by so many people. I used to be one of them. It was flattering when my ex contacted me. Eventually he’d come back and we’d breakup again. In 4 years, I broke up with him 3 times, he broke up with me 3 times. This last time he did not contact me. I waited and waited. I think he had enough. I realise now the issue was with me. I used no contact to get him back but never made any effort to address my issues. I still hurt and miss him but he says he gave me many chances and now he has lost all feelings for me.

    To all you using no contact to get back an ex, remember it is not to get anyone back, it is for you to heal, grow and move on because you had enough distance from your ex.

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