My Ex Will Not Talk to Me What Do I Do?

Question: We broke up because I was not spending time with her and not planning romantic things to do on weekends. She said she felt like she was putting in more effort than me and that I didn’t care and she didn’t feel like a priority. I failed to be really open about my feelings/fears with her, for the fear that she might be frightened away. It was a painful breakup. I probably did more things to damage the relationship after the break-up. I went on NC for two and half months. Now I want to explain to her that I felt the conditions in our relationship were just not right for me to open up but now I am in a better place, but she wants nothing to do with me. I just need the chance to explain myself, take responsibility for my actions and tell her I want her back. How do I get through to her?

Yangki’s Answer: This is why I am so against no contact strategy. You can’t expect to disappear for weeks then come back and continue a “bad relationship” from where it ended. It just doesn’t make sense.

After roughly two months and a half of no contact, you seriously did not expect her to welcome you back with open hands, did you? What do you think two and a half months of no contact said to her?

Let me answer that for you. “You broke up with me, so I’ll make you pay by ignoring you.”

What you do after a break-up may well determine whether you’ll get back together or not. It’d have made things so much easier if you had kept the line of communication open after the break-up. Even if it’s only to send her an email telling her you feel you need to work on yourself and regular updates on how you’re doing. This — and not NC- is the approach I promote in my eBook and tell you how to implement

The best advice I can give you at this point is to “wait” for her to reach out to you if she wants to. Trying to push aggressively especially at the onset of the process is usually unwise. And when (or if) she  gets in contact, hold off the “I felt the conditions in our relationship were just not right for me to open up but now I am in a better place and want you back”. That will not convince her to give the relationship another chance.

What will convince her is re-starting a “new relationship” with the person you dated before (that’s what Dating Your Ex means).  You have to start dating her all over again.

I am not one about “rules” of how often or how many number of times you contact a person, because contact for contact sake doesn’t mean a damn thing.  The contact has to be emotionally effective for it to create an emotional impact. So in the initial stages you probably want to match her pace in terms of how often she contacts you and the method of contact.

Your focus should be on “emotional quality” of communication. Start with emails, calls or texts (whatever the mode of contact) that say “I am interested in what you’re interested in” as opposed to “hey, what’s going on in your life?”.  You haven’t cared for “what’s going on in her life ” for two and half moths, all of a sudden acting like you  care will be seen as insincere.

What happens most of the time is that when you start to make an emotional connection, the person will naturally feel comfortable enough opening herself up to you and you’ll not have to worry about right amount/type of communication.

Later when the emotional connection and the contacts become more frequent, then you can explain yourself and take responsibility for your actions. Unless she brings it up, try to separate when you explain yourself and take responsibility for your actions from when you tell her you want her back. The timing for these two stages of the process are different. She may be ready to hear your explanation but not ready to get back together (yet).

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  1. says: Cyrus

    I’m still not sure how to react if she answers “I don’t know” to how she feels about me. Another possibility that she may say ”there is nothing that will get this to work between the two of us. We’ve tried too many times before and I don’t see it working”.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You worry too much about what will go wrong. This mindset is self-defeating as it tends to always make you think and react from a place of fear/negativity. There is also the possibility that things will go well.

      If she says, “I don’t know” it’s because she doesn’t really know how she feels about you or if she even wants to be with you. So stop asking her about how she feels about you, asking her if there will be another chance or if she wants to work on the relationship. Instead focus your efforts on showing her what can be possible if she decided to come back… how things will be different and better. That’s what is going to help her “know” things can work between the two of you.

  2. says: Comzone

    I told my ex I wanted space to heal because I was hurt that he did not want to work on the relationship. He said he respects my wish. I told him it’s best not to have any contact for a clean break, he did not reply but unfriended me and deleted my contact. It’s been 4 months and I still miss him and think about him everyday. Do you think he has moved on, should I reach out?

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I don’t know. You can try to reach out and hope that he responds.

      This is the problem with telling someone you want space or ‘no contact’, it’s like cutting your nose to spite your face. It’s self-defeating.

  3. says: dr.grind

    I have been in no contact for 7 weeks and my ex hasn’t contacted me. I’m beginning to think that she really doesn’t care. At this point I’m thinking of nwriting her an email telling her I’m moving on, then I’ll wait for her to contact me.

  4. says: Jessica

    This is my story, only I reconnected with my ex 9 days after he ended our relationship over a month ago. I initiate all our contacts, which are light & positive. He answers almost immediately & positively. But I sense apprehension even though he’s the one who suggested a friendship. So I’m not planning to explain myself just yet, let alone ask him to get back together. Nevertheless, I really wanted to say your articles are really uplifting & energising. I was so lost until I found your site. Bless you for the work you do!

    1. You’re right. Not only does emotional pain make things worse/hopeless than they really are, it also can make it difficult to implement advice that actually makes us feel better or helps us move forward.

      This is why it is important to deal with emotional pain before attempting something like getting one’s ex back. If you don’t process the pain, it will ALWAYS get in the way, somehow.