Question: My ex says she loves me but she does not want a relationship with me. I have changed since the break up, yet she does not appreciate these efforts. She sees them as me manipulating her to take me back. It’s so frustrating to do all the work to change and not be acknowledged for one’s efforts. I need her to see that I have really changed and that I love her so much and don’t want to lose her. What more do I need to do?
Yangki’s Answer: I agree. It’s frustrating when you have put so much work into changing for the better but your ex does not believe you have changed enough.
If one of the reasons why you broke up is because your ex thought you were manipulative or your actions self-serving, then it’s only natural that she still sees your efforts in that light.
It’ll take you doing things consistently and over a period of time that show her that you have genuinely changed.
In my book Dating Your Ex, I talk about the “old you” and the “new you”. The ‘old you’ is who your ex knows, she doesn’t know the new you.
Whenever you get the opportunity show her the new you. For example, if she expects you to react to what she says in a familiar way (the old you), respond differently (new you). Over time, the new you is who she sees more and more, and falls in love with.
Also make sure you do not say or do anything that may seem questionable e.g half-truths, unbelievable promises, attention seeking “drama” etc.
And remember, getting her to trust you again takes time and patience. Anything that feels like putting pressure on her to “see that you’ve changed” is going to backfire. She’ll see it as you being manipulative yet again.
Ultimately, if she’s going to come back to you, it’ll be because wants to and not because you made her do it.
