Question: My ex still talks to me but doesn’t want to come back. In your experience, when is the right time to ask an ex to get back together?
We were together for over a year but she left because she said something was missing in the relationship. I went no contact for 2 weeks, then reached out to her because she still hadn’t taken all her things from my house and still had the key. She came to pick up her things which I had already packed and were by the door. I asked if she wanted to come in, she hesitated a little but came in. We had a nice 15 chat and she left. I texted her an hour later to say it was nice seeing her again and we started talking every few days and now we talk everyday.
I can tell she still has feelings for me but when I casually mentioned I wanted her back, she backed off for a few days. She hasn’t said yes or no, she just avoided the topic. She still talks to me like everything is normal, but I don’t know is she wants or doesn’t want to come back. In your experience, when is the right time to ask an ex to get back together?
Yangki’s Answer: If your ex still talks to you, it makes sense to assume that your ex wants you back. It also makes sense to assume that if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you, your ex doesn’t want you back.
The reality is that sometimes an ex will still talk to you but it doesn’t mean they want to come back, and other times, your ex still talk to you because they don’t come out straight and say ”Do you want to get back together?” They may be afraid of rejection just like you’re afraid that they might say “no” if you ask them to get back together.
So it’s really up to you to make that judgement call: Do they want to get back together, and when is the right time to ask them to get back together.
The the timing of when you have the conversation about getting back together is extremely important. If your ex is not ready to make a decision, it’s not a good time to ask them to get back together.
1. Groundwork for getting back together
When your ex is ready to make a decision to get back together is not determined by the number of contact/dates/months; it’s determined by the groundwork you’ve laid for that kind of conversation to take place; and for the outcome to be a positive one.
Too soon, when you haven’t done all the things you need to do to show your ex that the relationship can work better will get you a “not now”; or straight “no” response. And in my experience, once you get “no” more than once. It becomes harder and harder to get a “yes”. So make sure before you talk about where things are going that your chances look good.
2. Organic vs. forced or manipulated
The way I see getting back together with an ex is an ex “convinced against their will are of the same opinion still”. If you force or manipulate an ex to come back, it doesn’t mean that they really changed their mind or really want to come.
Your ex may still wants to talk you but not be ready to come back. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to come back, or will never come back, it just means they’re not ready to make that decision. If your ex is leaning towards getting back with you and you out of your own anxiety or aggressive nature, push them to a decision; they may say “Okay, lets get back together”, but remain uncommitted to making the relationship work. Some exes even push against coming back because they feel pressured t come back.
3. Something you both want
When your ex is ready to make a decision to get back together is when it’s clear to both of you that this is something you both want; and not just one person trying to convince the other.
In my article, “How To Take It Slow And Get Your Ex Back“, I highlight the need to constantly ask yourself, “Do my ex’s words and actions show that they feel for me the way I feel for them?”
Asking yourself this question is one way of making sure that you are not getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you and putting pressure on your ex to get back together.
If there is anything you should take from this article; it’s that getting your ex to a point where they’re “ready to make a decision” takes time and effort. Your effort is very important because your ex is unlikely to take you back if they don’t think they relationship can work this time around. You have to show them the relationship can not only work, it can work better.