Question: My ex still talks to me but doesn’t want to come back. In your experience, when is the right time to ask an ex to get back together?
We were together for over a year but she left because she said something was missing in the relationship. I went no contact for 2 weeks, then reached out to her because she still hadn’t taken all her things from my house and still had the key. She came to pick up her things which I had already packed and were by the door. I asked if she wanted to come in, she hesitated a little but came in. We had a nice 15 chat and she left. I texted her an hour later to say it was nice seeing her again and we started talking every few days and now we talk everyday.
I can tell she still has feelings for me but when I casually mentioned I wanted her back, she backed off for a few days. She hasn’t said yes or no, she just avoided the topic. She still talks to me like everything is normal, but I don’t know is she wants or doesn’t want to come back. In your experience, when is the right time to ask an ex to get back together?
Yangki’s Answer: If your ex still talks to you, it makes sense to assume that your ex wants you back. It also makes sense to assume that if your ex doesn’t want to talk to you, your ex doesn’t want you back.
The reality is that sometimes an ex will still talk to you but it doesn’t mean they want to come back, and other times, your ex still talk to you because they don’t come out straight and say ”Do you want to get back together?” They may be afraid of rejection just like you’re afraid that they might say “no” if you ask them to get back together.
So it’s really up to you to make that judgement call: Do they want to get back together, and when is the right time to ask them to get back together.
The the timing of when you have the conversation about getting back together is extremely important. If your ex is not ready to make a decision, it’s not a good time to ask them to get back together.
1. Groundwork for getting back together
When your ex is ready to make a decision to get back together is not determined by the number of contact/dates/months; it’s determined by the groundwork you’ve laid for that kind of conversation to take place; and for the outcome to be a positive one.
Too soon, when you haven’t done all the things you need to do to show your ex that the relationship can work better will get you a “not now”; or straight “no” response. And in my experience, once you get “no” more than once. It becomes harder and harder to get a “yes”. So make sure before you talk about where things are going that your chances look good.
2. Organic vs. forced or manipulated
The way I see getting back together with an ex is an ex “convinced against their will are of the same opinion still”. If you force or manipulate an ex to come back, it doesn’t mean that they really changed their mind or really want to come.
Your ex may still wants to talk you but not be ready to come back. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to come back, or will never come back, it just means they’re not ready to make that decision. If your ex is leaning towards getting back with you and you out of your own anxiety or aggressive nature, push them to a decision; they may say “Okay, lets get back together”, but remain uncommitted to making the relationship work. Some exes even push against coming back because they feel pressured t come back.
3. Something you both want
When your ex is ready to make a decision to get back together is when it’s clear to both of you that this is something you both want; and not just one person trying to convince the other.
In my article, “How To Take It Slow And Get Your Ex Back“, I highlight the need to constantly ask yourself, “Do my ex’s words and actions show that they feel for me the way I feel for them?”
Asking yourself this question is one way of making sure that you are not getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you and putting pressure on your ex to get back together.
If there is anything you should take from this article; it’s that getting your ex to a point where they’re “ready to make a decision” takes time and effort. Your effort is very important because your ex is unlikely to take you back if they don’t think they relationship can work this time around. You have to show them the relationship can not only work, it can work better.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment And “Longing” For An Ex
Yangki: My ex broke up with me because she was not happy. She wanted me to make changes and I have done many of the things she asked me to change. She wanted us to keep in contact and be friends and in the beginning we just text each other once a week. In the course of one month things have progressed to the point that we spend more and more time together. But every time I bring up getting back together, she tells me different reasons why it cannnot work out between us. I don’t know if I am being played or if there is something else going on. Please help.
I am having a hard time showing my ex I have changed. She says she does not think it will work because she does not believe I have changed or can change.
It’s difficult to show change when very little has really changed. Until she can envision a better relationship, I am afraid she will not want to come back.
Yangki what does it mean when you still talk about the past and how you used to be and he says “we both made mistakes and I hope we learn from it and be better partners?”
If you are asking if this means he wants to get back together, context matters.
If you’ve been dating for a while and things are moving in the right direction, it may mean he’s thinking about how different things can be, and will be if you do get back together.
But if there is not much communication going on and he said that just because you happened to be talking about the past, it means exactly what he said. You both made mistakes and he hopes you learn from it and be better partners.It could be better partners for each other or better partners for some else.
Yangki, thank you for your articles, they make a lot of sense to me. I am 52 and my ex is 48. We were together for about 5 years and broke up this last November due to some disagreement, but that’s a long story. We recently got in contact and pretty much talk on the phone 2 -3 days a week. I am following the advice in your book and noticing progress. We’ve met up a few times since and things have been going well. I need some advice on being emotionally open. One of the things she complained about was that we didn’t have heart to heart conversations more often. I wasn’t open enough and don’t think she knows the full extent of my feelings for her. To this day I truly believed she left because she didn’t think I love her. Do I tell her how I feel?
It depends on how much “progress” you’ve made. In my experience, it doesn’t usually go well in the initial stages just after re-establishing contact. You end up coming across as desperate, needy, or worse — trying to manipulate your ex into coming back.
But if you feel that you’ve made enough progress in terms of creating a safe emotional environment in which to talk about your feelings without scaring her away, then let her know how you feel.
Make sure you do it in small doses. Too much will overwhelm her and scare her off.
Yangki, I’m at that stage where I think that it’s time to ask him if he wants to give the relationship another chance. He has hinted a couple of time that he may be open to the idea in the context of the future. Like this one time we were watching a movie and he said, “that would be a cool place to go to, What do you think?” I don’t think he would say such things if we were not getting back together. What do you think?
There are many things that say “it’s time”. One of them is your ex saying things that tell you he thinks you’ll be in each other’s lives for some time to come. In your case, it’s not clear if he was asking if it’s a place you think is cool to go together, of if he was just asking if you think that’s a cool place.
If there are other times when he’s said things that tell you he is thinking of a future with you in it, then go a head and ask.
Just remember, timing is just one part of the equation. How you ask can be the difference between “YES”, “not now”, “I’ll think about it” and “no!” (and all the other likely responses in between).
All the very best…definitely worth it…):