Question: My ex and I started talking again after 3 months of no contact. I had texted him a couple of times and no reply, so I told him I just wanted us to be friends and he responded. Although he is incredibly nice to me, initiates contact, and we have a good time, I’m worried that he only sees me as a friend. Every time he tells me about a woman he went out with, my heart breaks all over again. Should I tell him I still have feelings for him?
Yangki’s Answer: Yes. He definitely sees you as friend and that’s why he’s comfortable talking to you about the other women he goes out with. This is why I strongly advice against offering “friendship” when you want more than friendship. By saying you just wanted to be friends, you set your own trap.
As discussed in my book Dating Your Ex and in other articles on here, accept a ‘friend offer’ only and only if your ex suggests it as a way to remain in each other’s life. But don’t just stop there as a “friend”, make sure you use the “friendship space” to try to attract them back.
No question about it, the “friendship space” is not ideal, but when used the right way, it can serve as a bridge between the old relationship and new relationship. It can offer you opportunities that you would not otherwise have if you are not in each other’s life.
Since the “just friends” has gone too far with your ex, and he now sees you as ‘just a friend”, you have only two options, both have benefits and risks.
1. Continue with the way things are.
The benefit here is that you don’t rock the boat and maybe he will date these other women and realize you are “the one” for him. And if you were insecure when you were together, showing him that you have changed may make him rethink things.
The risk with this is that one day he’s going to meet someone he’s really into, and she may say she does not want him talking to you. But the biggest risk of all is that you will be sacrificing your emotional well-being for something that may not turn out the way you hope.
2. Be honest with him and tell him you still have feelings for him
Three things will likely happen.
- He may still have feelings for you too, and a new romance will blossom.
- He may tell you friendship is all he can offer you and let you decide what you want to do… stay in contact or cut off all contact.
- He may decide that he does not want to give you the wrong idea and that it’s not a good idea to stay in contact anymore.
Decide carefully. Choose the option that you think has the least risk. I can not tell you which option is best for you because I do not have any information about your relationship, or who your ex is and how he’s likely to respond. Each ex reacts differently.