Question: My ex says she misses me but is not sure if she wants to get back together. I read your article on how to use your ex’s mixed signals to move things forward, and wondering if my ex’s mixed signal is1) miscommunication or 2) genuinely conflicted. I know for sure that she’s not trying to manipulate me. She’s not like that.
I’m convinced she’s genuinely conflicted because she texts saying she misses the way we were before; and a few days later she says she’s not sure about us. I admit, I was the one that ended the relationship, and at the time I was under a lot of pressure from my job and I was not in a good place mentally. I have apologized, she forgave me and we have been texting and seeing each other again for a little over 4 months.
Things have been good for the most time and I love her very much. I’m willing to take things slow, but I at least want to know if she wants to give us another chance. I don’t want to wait for her only for her to tell me we are not getting back together. A part of me wants to ask her if she wants to get back together down the road and if she says she is not over how I broke up with her, we go our separate ways. 4 months is a long time not to be sure. Does that make sense? Please help.
Yangki’s Answer: It’s a mixed signal when an ex says they miss you, then say they are not sure if they want to get back together. I don’t think this a mixed signal caused by miscommunication. This mixed signals is your ex being genuinely conflicted.
It makes sense that you want to figure out what the mixed signals mean for your chances of getting back together. And I agree with you that 4 months is a long time to be trying to get back someone; but not long enough if your ex has lingering doubts about getting back together.
It’s obvious that she is still loves you and genuinely misses you. She forgave you, and you and you are texting and seeing each other. That’s a good sign.
I’m sure you understand why she says she’s not sure if she wants to get back together. You ended the relationship for reasons that had nothing to do with her. She did not do anything to make you want to break up with her. She has every right to want to make sure you will not do it again. What if you get back together and something else happens that is similar to what happened with your job; will you end it with her again?
If you tell her to decide right now, she will most likely decide against getting back together. Nobody likes to be put under pressure, especially on a decision that puts her in an emotionally vulnerable place. Even if your ex decided to get back together, she will always feel insecure in the relationship; and may break up with you.
Instead of getting all frustrated that your ex texts saying she misses and a few days later she says she’s not sure about you; try to figure out what it is exactly that’s making her feel she’s not sure about getting back together. Then provide the reassurance and security she needs to be absolutely 100% certain that you will not break her heart in the same way again.
If she decides to give you another chance, you’re going to have to put in some really, really hard relationship work to create a safe emotional space to share your feelings over what happened, and you may need a couples’ therapist or an objective person to help guide that conversation.