Question: So reached out to my ex after 30 days of no contact; and my ex says it’s too soon to re-establish contact. I asked when I can contact her and she said, “I don’t know”. How long should I wait before contacting my ex again? I understand that there are no exact time frames for getting back with an ex but it worries me that she said I should not wait for her and wants me to find someone else. What does it mean?
Yangki’s Answer: You are exactly right that there are no exact time frames for getting back with an ex.
People usually say “its too soon to reestablish contact” because:
- You’ve violated a personal boundary and keeping you at a distance is your ex’s response.
- Your ex thinks being in contact hinders their healing process.
- They think that cutting off contact will help both of you move on.
- Your ex believes that it will help both of you “forget” the past and start over again.
I don’t advice ‘no contact’ as a strategy to get back your ex, so I can’t answer “How long should I wait before contacting my ex again?”.
I don’t think even “no contact experts” can tell you exactly when your ex will be ready to re-establish contact. They say “30 days of no contact”, but as you have found out, even after “30 days” your ex is not ready. No contact experts will probably tell you to do another 15 or 30 days of no contact; but may not change anything.
Sometimes an ex will say “I don’t know when I’ll be ready to reestablish contact” as a polite way of saying “I never want to reestablish contact”.
And you are right to be worried that your ex said you should not wait for her; and wants me to find someone else. When you add the part about not waiting for her and her wanting you to find someone else, it means that at this point in time, she doesn’t see the two of you in a romantic relationship anytime soon, or even in the future.
It doesn’t mean she can’t change her mind later; it just means that for now, trying to pursue her will only push her further away.
Respect her wish and wait and see if she will contact you when she’s ready to reestablish contact. In the meantime, don’t put your life on hold “waiting” for what might not happen.