Avoidant Ex Loves Me but Doubts I’ve Changed – Is it Pointless?

Question: My avoidant ex says they still loves me but doesn’t think I’ve changed and doesn’t see a future with me. Should I give up and move on?

We were together for a year and 4 months. We didn’t talk for 3 weeks and only just started connecting again after I read your articles and reached out. He responded right away and we’ve slowly been rebuilding connection. But yesterday I want to eventually get back together but I’m okay with taking things slow at his pace. He said he still loves me but has been hurt so many times and doesn’t see how we can work together long term.

I admit I was very anxious in the relationship and needed constant reassurance. To be fair, I didn’t know about attachment styles and didn’t understand that he was an avoidant and needed lots of space. I only learned this after the breakup. I told him I’m going to therapy to better myself and work on my anxiety. He said, he’s happy for me but does not think I can change. He mentioned our two last conversations and said I made him feel how he felt when we were together. I honestly thought I had changed but because I went back to my old ways, it seems that my ex may not give me another chance.

Is there any way I can fix this or is this pointless and I should just move on? He still wants to stay friends, so I guess that’s a good thing.

Yangki’s Answer: Hearing that your avoidant ex still loves you but doesn’t trust that you’ve changed enough for the relationship to work is relieving but also painful at the same time. On one hand, their love shows there’s still a connection and a possibility of getting back together; on the other, their doubt takes away hope and makes trying to get them back feel like a waste of time.

Before you decide to give up, it helps to understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and what you can do to respond in a calm, confident, and secure way.

Why an avoidant ex can love you and still can’t see a future with you

For avoidants, loving someone and wanting a relationship with them are two different things. They can care deeply about you, feel connection, and even love you, but still hesitate if they don’t feel safe in the relationship.

Compartmentalizing feelings and their practical reality is just how their attachment style works. Understanding this distinction between feelings and practical realities of the relationship can help you respond in a grounded way, without taking their hesitation personally.

Their uncertainty isn’t a reflection of your worth or your growth

Granted, what happened yesterday didn’t help. The old anxiety showing up didn’t help reassure him that the relationship would be safer than before the breakup. But this doesn’t mean you haven’t changed.

Change takes time and slipping back to old ways is part of the change process. So give yourself some grace and compassion.

Even if you hadn’t slipped up, there’s a high chance that your avoidant ex would still have doubts and still hesitate because avoidants in general default to self-protection when faced with uncertainty. The uncertainty here is: He doesn’t know what will or will not happen in the future. He’s only going how he feels now.

Is it pointless trying to get back together?

Not at all — it’s not pointless to want to get back together especially with someone who admits they still love you. The fact that they still love you is significant. It shows that the emotional bond is there and that they value the connection you shared and still share.

While still loving you does not automatically mean they will come back, it means there’s potential for reconnection, provided the relationship evolves in a way that it feels safe for both of you. In short, the door is still open – it gives you something to work with, not a reason to give up.

How you proceed from here makes a difference

1. Demonstrate your growth through behaviour

Continue with therapy, manage your anxiety, and handle your emotions and reactions better. Actions speak louder than words in showing change.

2. Give space while staying connected

Maintain low-pressure connection. A short, thoughtful message or a small gesture can remind them of your presence without overwhelming them.

3. Keep communication simple and clear

Avoid long explanations, emotional appeals, or chasing reassurance. Short, thoughtful messages or check-ins create safety and reduce pressure.

4. Show consistency in your actions

Show up as reliable and trustworthy. Keep messages, plans or agreements simple and reliable. This helps you avoid past behaviour traps, stay consistent and builds trust over time.

5. Engage in shared activities or enjoyable moments

Focus on positive interactions and shared moments – shared laughter, hobbies, or simple experiences help rebuild connection without triggering defensiveness.

6. Observe and respond, don’t chase

Notice their signals and energy and respond appropriately. If they initiate or engage, meet them with warmth and calm. If they pull back, maintain your presence without pursuing.

7. Set clear boundaries

Decide what behaviour you will accept and what you won’t and when necessary communicate boundaries calmly. This shows respect for yourself and models secure and safe relationship patterns.

8. Walk away when it feels like you’ve outgrown the dynamic or your avoidant ex

It’s possible to outgrow old patterns and outgrow someone if they’re not making any effort to better themselves. So give yourselves a chance but if you constantly feel like you’re compromising your needs, safety and well-being, it’s a sign you’re no longer a fit even if you still love and care about each other.

Walking away doesn’t mean you failed — it means you’re prioritising your growth and opening the door to healthier, safer and secure connections in the future.

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