My Ex Is Angry And Has Stopped Replying To My Texts

Question: My ex is an avoidant and I’m anxious preoccupied. After the breakup, I overtexted and said mean and cruel things and he got really angry and stopped replying but he did not block me. I realized my mistake and did not contact him for 2 months. I focused on myself and worked with a therapist on my anxious preoccupied attachment style. When I was ready, I reached out. He did not respond. I waited another week and sent him a text with an apology. He replied saying he understands and not to worry about it.

Three days later I sent a check in and we exchanged messages 3 – 4 times that week. He replies after 2- 3 hours. It seemed like we were slowly reconnecting, but 12 days ago we had a falling out. I had texted him asking how his week was.  He did not respond for 6 hours. He’s not done that before so I sent a check in “I hope you are okay”. I didn’t get a response so I sent another text saying I was really worried about him. When he didn’t respond, I worried that something might have happened to him and went to his house but he wasn’t home. He finally responded at 10 pm: “This is why we broke up and why we will never get back together”. I apologized. He didn’t respond. I waited a week and reached out. But he’s stopped replying. I think he’s still angry about what happened.

He is hot and cold and I don’t know how to read into the mixed messages. When we broke up he said we have toxic relationship.  Please help.

Yangki’s Answer: From the behaviours you describe your ex is a fearful avoidant. And yes, fearful avoidants send mixed messages and the hot and cold can be confusing and frustrating. But in this particular situation, I don’t think he is sending any mixed messages at all.

Given what happened after the breakup (you overtexting and saying cruel and mean things), the fact that he is even still willing to talk to you is a positive sign. But what happened 12 days ago is self-inflicted. You reverted back to anxious preoccupied behaviours and this is what restarted the anxious-avoidant cycle.

He didn’t respond, you become anxious and now your anxiety has triggered his avoidance.

I understand worrying that something might have happened to him, but going to his house was crossing a boundary. I’m sure looking back now, you see why he seems angry. It likely reminded him of the old relationship and this is why he said “This is why we broke up and why we will never get back together”.

Like most avoidant exes, he may still have feelings for you and knows you want him back, but is worried that things will go back to how they used to be. Your multiple texts when you didn’t hear from him and going by his place confirmed his fears that not much has changed.

He may also still he hurting or even holding resentment for mean and cruel things you said at the breakup. In my experience, lingering hurt feelings from the breakup and suspicion about your motives are some of the reasons for behaviour like you see in your ex.

What do you do now that he is angry and has stopped responding?

My advice is approach this from a secure-based approach. A secure person would reach out at least once, with an emotionally safe message that takes accountability and invites low-pressure connection or at least leaves the door open for future connection.

Example of a secure-focused response you could send:

“Hey, I realize that showing up at your place crossed a boundary, and I understand if you need space right now. I slipped into some anxious patterns, and it’s made me realize I still have work to do. I’d prefer to talk about it but only when you are ready. I care about our connection, and like how things were before this happened. I hope that over time things can feel light and fun again.”

This communicates calm, safe and secure accountability while keeping the door open for connection.

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