Question: Hi Yangki, I am a fan of your advice and I think I have begun to see progress and emotional momentum with my ex. We were together for 16 months but were friends for almost 2 years. She ended the relationship because she was under so much stress with her sick mother and work. We maintained contact 2 times a week with me mostly initiating it. She was responsive but mostly in one or two words. In the last month, thanks to your ebook and articles, we’ve gone from her responding ok, sure, really? no, yes, me too etc. to us talking about TV shows and the like. I would like to take this to the next level and get her more emotionally engaged. My question is, what are some of the questions to ask? I don’t want to seem too like I am probing but I also don’t want to keep things at a superficial level which as you say in your ebook may get me in the friendzone. Thanks for all your help.
Yangki’s Answer: First of all, good for you… any progress is a good thing. One step at a time.
You can ask your ex just about any topic but what I have found works best in terms of getting more emotional engagement is asking about things your ex already has an emotional interest in or emotional attachment to.
You dated, were in a relationship or married this person so you at least have an idea of what she’s emotionally interested or invested in.
To open up a topic, start more generally, then if she responds positively, go deeper and ask something more specific. It’s also best to work your way from topics she’s emotionally interested in (job/work, hobby, interest etc) to things she’s emotionally attached to (family, friend, pet, etc).
If she’s into a particular kind of music or band you can send a text: “Have you listened to Adele’s new album/soundtrack? As usual it’s a masterpiece (or “I listened to it a couple of times now, and it’s her best yet” or “You’ll love it”).
If she’s into Star Wars for example: “Have you seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens? If you haven’t, I highly recommend it.” (then add comment about the movie that you know will peak her interest, or start a conversation).
Do not just keep forwarding links or pointing her to YouTube videos, Facebook posts or Instagram stories related to her interest or hobby. Any random person can do that and if anyone can do it, it means that it will have little impact in terms of making that emotional connection.
To remind her that you have a history together and that you “know” her, add to the links a comment or say something that triggers specific emotions.
Like I said, you can ask just about any question that shows that you remember what’s important to your ex or what they are into, but ask in such a way that triggers an emotion or many emotions. The more emotions you trigger, the more the emotional engagement.
One last thing: Focus more on what you want to see happen, not on what you want to avoid (i.e. I don’t want to seem too probing but I also don’t want to keep things at a superficial level). Whatever you focus your mind on is what you’ll create (see: Do Exes Really Ever Come Back?)