Question: I reached out to my ex after 6 weeks on no contact. I told him I miss him, and my ex said he misses me too but he doesn’t want me back. He says some days he thinks he wants to get back together; and other days he just wants to move on. This is so confusing for me because he says we may get back together in the future; but he does not want me to to wait for him or put my life on hold. I told him we can just be friends for now, and he’s okay with that but can’t promise anything. He also said he is seeing other women and if that hurts me, he’d prefer for us not to be friends.
I know in my heart that he loves me and there is a possibility that we’ll get back together. I just don’t understand why if I miss my ex and he misses me too, why we can’t get back together? In your experience, do exes who miss you but say you are not getting together come back? How long should I keep my heart open for him?
Yangki’s Answer: I’m sorry you have to go through this. Your ex saying they miss you too but you’re not getting back together is probably one of the most difficult things about breakups. But the reality is that you can miss your ex and your ex misses you too; but not want to get back together for several reasons.
You’re right, there may be a possibility that you’ll get back together; but I have to agree with your ex that you not put your life on hold. Now is the only reality that there is, and the reality is that for right now; your ex wants to date other people and doesn’t want you to wait for him.
He’s taking care of his needs and not in a selfish way since he’s been honest with you; and I think you should too. I’m not saying you should deny your feelings for him and/or go out and see other men; but that you should take care of yourself by helping yourself heal from the pain of not being wanted.
Not being wanted does not mean not loved. He may still love you, but loving someone and wanting to be with them are two different things. You need to come to terms with this because only then can your mind be free to see the options ahead of you. As long as you remain in this place of non-acceptance, your mind will keep coming up with all sorts of stories about a reality different from what is; and you’re likely to act on those stories other than on reality itself.
Give yourself the love you want from him and take care of yourself the way you’d have wanted him to. Once you fill that “empty” space he temporarily occupied, you’ll find that it doesn’t feel as bad as it does now.
My advice is always keep your heart open. No need to “close” your heart because if you heal well (in a healthy way), you’ll still be able to feel love for him and move on at the same time, if that’s what you decide you want to do.
If you decide you want him back, work with what you have now instead to trying to recover what you had. But to be able to get him back and stay together, you must first take care of you. You’ll make better decisions and respond better when you’re in a “good place”.
Also no need to cut of all contact because doing so only helps kill even the remaining “feeling” that is still there; and that you might want to build on in the future. It’s harder to restart a fire from scratch; so to speak.