My Ex Misses Me But Doesn’t Want Me Back (What to Do)

Question: I reached out to my ex after 6 weeks on no contact. I told him I miss him, and my ex said he misses me too but he doesn’t want me back. He says some days he thinks he wants to get back together; and other days he just wants to move on. This is so confusing for me because he says we may get back together in the future; but he does not want me to to wait for him or put my life on hold. I told him we can just be friends for now, and he’s okay with that but can’t promise anything. He also said he is seeing other women and if that hurts me, he’d prefer for us not to be friends.

I know in my heart that he loves me and there is a possibility that we’ll get back together. I just don’t understand why if I miss my ex and he misses me too, why we can’t get back together? In your experience, do exes who miss you but say you are not getting together come back? How long should I keep my heart open for him?

Yangki’s Answer:  I’m sorry you have to go through this. Your ex saying they miss you too but you’re not getting back together is probably one of the most difficult things about breakups. But the reality is that you can miss your ex and your ex misses you too; but not want to get back together for several reasons.

You’re right, there may be a possibility that you’ll get back together; but I have to agree with your ex that you not put your life on hold. Now is the only reality that there is, and the reality is that for right now; your ex wants to date other people and doesn’t want you to wait for him.

He’s taking care of his needs and not in a selfish way since he’s been honest with you; and I think you should too. I’m not saying you should deny your feelings for him and/or go out and see other men; but that you should take care of yourself by helping yourself heal from the pain of not being wanted.

Not being wanted does not mean not loved. He may still love you, but loving someone and wanting to be with them are two different things. You need to come to terms with this because only then can your mind be free to see the options ahead of you. As long as you remain in this place of non-acceptance, your mind will keep coming up with all sorts of stories about a reality different from what is; and you’re likely to act on those stories other than on reality itself.

Give yourself the love you want from him and take care of yourself the way you’d have wanted him to. Once you fill that “empty” space he temporarily occupied, you’ll find that it doesn’t feel as bad as it does now.

My advice is always keep your heart open. No need to “close” your heart because if you heal well (in a healthy way), you’ll still be able to feel love for him and move on at the same time, if that’s what you decide you want to do.

If you decide you want him back, work with what you have now instead to trying to recover what you had. But to be able to get him back and stay together, you must first take care of you. You’ll make better decisions and respond better when you’re in a “good place”.

Also no need to cut of all contact because doing so only helps kill even the remaining “feeling” that is still there; and that you might want to build on in the future. It’s harder to restart a fire from scratch; so to speak.

RELATED:

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Can You Love Someone But Not Want to Be With Them?

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17 Comments

  1. says: Dameon

    I’m glad I read this. I was at the point where I felt I had absolutely no other choice but cut my losses (after about 7 years together) and move on. She’s messed me around with her not being sure about whether she wants me back or not. She says she loves me very but doesn’t want her heart broken again. I couldn’t understand how it’s possible to love someone and not want to be in a relationship and I kept pushing and pushing. She finally said we should have no more contact. I was just about to give up. But now I’m thinking that may be there is a chance for us after all.

    Your advice is excellent, and on top of that, you are extraordinarily generous by giving it for free.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I’m glad something in here gave you hope. Many people (sadly) give up because they can’t handle the chaos/uncertainty typical in a get back with ex situation. The point at which things seem most out of control, our relationships can move with new and better possibilities/in a direction we had never anticipated.

      I’m keeping my fingers crossed… 🙂

  2. says: true4U

    I broke up with him and realized I made a mistake. I contacted him and we’ve been getting closer. Some days it looks like we’re going to get back together and some days he totally pulls away from me. I told him I can’t take it anymore and he said he understands but that it’s just hard for him to trust me again. I’ve apologized and really shown him I still love him, what more should I be doing?

    1. If he’s genuinely making an effort to get back together, I think you should be patient. Entrusting our hearts to someone who has hurt us before is not an easy thing to do. It takes time to get there. Give him time, and do not try to push him one way or another. That trust will come back if you consistently show him he won’t be hurt again.

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