My Avoidant Ex Is Talking To Me Again – What Do I Do Next?

Question: My avoidant ex is talking to me again, where do I go from here?

We broke up 3 weeks ago because we were fighting constantly. We agreed to take a break and see how we both feel. We did not specify how long and I was going to go not contact then came across your site and decided to reach out on day 14 of the breakup. I was surprised that he responded three hours later but was a bit cold and distant. We texted back and forth for 10 minutes catching and he said he had to go. I followed your advice and reached out again 3 days later and he was much warmer. The next day he reached out about my mail and we texted the whole day. His responses were 2 – 3 hours apart.

He is a fearful avoidant, so I’ve been reaching out every 3 – 5 days like your advice says. Things seem to be warming up. My question is: Where do I go from here?

Yangki’s Answer:  This is significant, especially that he reached out on his own. But before assigning meaning to it, it’s important to recognize what’s actually happening: Communication has resumed. That’s it.

This means that you are in the very early states of reconnecting.

It doesn’t mean:

• They automatically want to get back together.
• They’ve reflected deeply or grown.
• The issues that led to the breakup are resolved.

Where do you go from here?

1. Take it slow and actually mean it

Taking it slow isn’t just advice, it’s protection for both of you and for your bond.

Jumping back into emotional closeness immediately and assuming intentions based on a few good interactions is one of the biggest reconnection traps. Things quickly start to feel familiar again, and before you know it, you back in the same old dynamic.

I suggest keeping your reach outs to every 3 – 5 days until you see things pick up pace, then gradually close the gap to where you are talking everyday, or even several times a day.

Don’t focus on the number of days between reachouts, focus on increasing engagement because that’s what creates momentum.

2. Keep it low-pressure

As mentioned in several articles, you are going to do most of the reaching out and initiating conversations because you are the one who wants him back. There is no indication right he wants to get back together, you’re just talking.

And given your dynamic, it could even take a few months before things are clear, and that’s okay.

Right now, keep things low pressure and consistent.

• Talk, without overattaching meaning.
• Pay attention, without overanalyzing every detail.
• Stay grounded in yourself, not just in the connection.

3. Show that things are different

Make sure that you work on why it is that the two of you fight and what it is that you fight about. This is important because even one fight is enough for him to conclude the relationship can never work.

He needs to see, and you need to see it too, that the two of you can be with each other without fighting for him to believe things have changed.

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Secure Reconnection Guide: Talking Again to Back Together