Question: Yangki, I have been reading your site for the past couple of weeks. As you can tell, I obviously still want my ex back. We had a wonderful relationship but I started to get jealous and needy and he pulled back, which made me even more needy and clingy leading to him breaking up with me. It’s been 5 months since we broke up. Our conversations are mostly light and friendly. But I feel like he is pulling farther away from me. My question is, should I be concerned that he is pulling farther away, or is this normal? My second question is, in your experience is there a certain time after which no matter what you do, you have no chance?
Yangki’s Answer: To answer your first question, yes, you should be concerned that he is pulling farther away from you. In most relationships, there is a pull-push dynamic, but if the there is more pulling away than moving towards, or if the pulling away happens too frequently, it’s usually not a good sign (Understanding Your Avoidant Ex).
On your second question: It’s hard to put a timeline on how long it takes to get your ex back. There are so many factors at play e.g.
1. the emotional state of both parties;
2. other things unrelated to the relationship going on one or both people’s lives (e.g. job search, relocation, illness etc);
3. the confidence level of the person trying to get the other back. Most people operating from a place of fear, e.g. I don’t want to scare him/her away, or I don’t want to come across as needy etc, usually take much longer to get their ex back. The majority never get their ex back.
While the first three months after a break-up are the most crucial in terms of your chances of getting your ex back, hurrying back to get your ex often does not work. In cases where it does work, the relationship usually doesn’t last because you are continuing from where the old relationship ended. This is when you get the on-and-off-again type scenarios.
What I’ve noticed is that if you’ve been actively trying to get your ex back for 6 plus months and there is no progress, the chances of you getting back together are dramatically reduced. It doesn’t mean you can never get your ex back, it just means it’s a lot harder as more time passes.
The reason why there is no progress is usually because of the things mentioned above, and:
1. lack of focus — trying this approach and that approach, and not having the patience to see things through;
2. doing the same things that have not worked, and expecting a different result;
3.doing things that create more emotional distance and cause more irreparable damage to the relationship.
It’d be interesting to talk to you to find out exactly what you have been doing (or are not doing) to get him back, and if somehow some of the things you’ve been doing (or not doing) are causing him to pull farther away.
As I mentioned above, not doing anything to move things forward is just as bad as doing the wrong things. Most people who fear that by taking action they’ll scare off their ex, push him/her away, or fear coming across as needy almost always end up with exactly what they fear will happen.