Avoidant Ex Is Emotionally Engaged But Holding Off Sexually

Question: Did my avoidant ex feel pressured and pull away because I asked to be intimate?

Yangki, may be you can help me figure out what’s going on with my ex. She and I broke up in May. Two weeks later she texted me saying she wanted to talk. We met and talked for 8 hours in which time we decided we’d give the relationship another chance. All June things were really great, we talked every day, texted several times a day and saw each other 3 days a week. She seemed to be her old self again. The only thing that was missing was sexual intimacy. We fooled around in my car once. Every time I tried to initiate she said she wasn’t ready and I didn’t push. I told her I’ll be patient until she’s ready.

A week ago, on her own, she suggested coming to my house and spending the night. I told her I’d love that, and I didn’t hear from her for a couple of hours. Then she texts me saying she didnt think it was a good idea because she didn’t want it to be just about sex. I told her I understand and want both of us to be comfortable. Since then she’s completely pulled away. As I write there’s been no contact for over a week. I sent her a text and she never responded. What is really confusing me is that she initiated the call that led to us getting back together and was into it the whole of June. She said she missed me and wants me in her life, and I didn’t push for sex, so I’m really confused. Did she feel pressured because I asked to be intimate or may be feels shame for suggesting spending the night at my house? Could there be someone else?

Yangki’s Answer: Yes, she could have felt pressured when you asked to be intimate. Yes, she may feel shame for suggesting coming and spending the night. And yes, there is a possibility that there is someone else. All these are realities when trying to get back with an avoidant ex.

1. She felt pressured when you asked to be intimate

When avoidants reconnect or come back the question they often ask themselves is: Do I feel safe?

• If they feel more vulnerable emotionally –  They’ll re-engage sexually but hold off emotional intimacy.
• If they feel more vulnerable sexually – They’ll re-engage emotionally and hold off sexual intimacy.
• If they are a fearful avoidant – How they lean can play a role; with more anxious fearful avoidants more likely to re-engage emotionally and hold of sexual intimacy and avoidant leaning fearful avoidants more likely to re-engage sexually but hold off emotional intimacy.

And there are also avoidants who come back in the sense that they want to try things again but don’t emotionally open up and hold off sexual intimacy until they’re sure the relationship is safe enough or it’s what they want long term.

Gender and social expectations also play a role here: with avoidant women more likely to emotionally engage and hold of sexual intimacy and avoidant men more likely to sexually engage and hold off emotional intimacy.

What this means in your particular case:

In your case, it seems she felt emotionally safer but sexually more vulnerable. There are several reasons for this including the meaning she attaches to sex, past experiences with sexual intimacy and controlling the pace of closeness or expectations.

Withholding sexual intimacy may have given her a sense of control especially if the previous relationship felt overwhelming or emotionally consuming in the past. If she’s a fearful avoidant, which I highly suspect she is based on two important give aways:

1) She reached out two weeks later. Wanted to talk and after 8 hours talk you got back together.

2) You talked every day, texted several times a day and saw each other 3 days a week.

This level of contact and connection would have been too intense and overwhelming for a dismissive avoidant. But not for fearful avoidants who crave connection but fear it at the same time.

Delaying sexual intimacy may have helped keep things ambiguous and lowers perceived threat for an avoidant who struggles with both fear of getting close and fear of abandonment.

You asking to be intimate may have triggered the fear that getting close might lead to hurt again and fear that if she keeps rejecting you, you might decide to walk away. This might explain why she suggested coming and spending the night and then changed her mind. When she suggested spending the night, her fear of abandonment outweighed her fear of getting hurt, but at some point her fear of getting hurt overcame her fear of abandonment and she changed her mind.

2. She feels shame for suggesting spending the night

Could this have triggered shame? It’s possible. She might have felt (and still feels) shame: First, for being the one who suggested staying the night, and second, for backing away.

And sexual intimacy was a personal boundary for he, one she told herself she would not cross until she felt sure the relationship was stable, she might have also felt ashamed (and still does) for almost crossing her own boundary.

3. There’s someone else in the picture

Is there some else? With a fearful avoidant I can’t completely rule there being someone else out. Fearful avoidants have a tendency of having a backup attachment resources just in case they need one to help them regulate. Remember, fearful avoidants are part anxious, and people with an anxious attachment often rely on others to regulate them. For fearful avoidants, the backup doesn’t have to be a relationship potential, but just someone they can rely on to call up when they need them.

4. She was conflicted the whole time

The fourth factor you might have not considered because she initiated the call that led to getting back together and was into it the whole of June is that she was conflicted the whole time, and the incident with her suggesting to spend the night then backing away was the trigger for her pulling away. Meaning she was going to pull away at some point, the incident just accelerated it.

This is more common with fearful avoidants who reach out from what seems like out of the blue and things quickly go from “hello” to “we’re back together” in a matter of hours of just a couple of days.

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